Creating Your Life Legacy

My Mother's Life and Legacy

2011-09-19T21:17:00.000-07:00

My mother, Bernice Mae (Klefsaas) Peterson, died four months ago. Since that day -- May 1 -- I've had many thoughts about her but haven't felt ready to write about her legacy and my memories of her. She died one week from what would have been her 86th birthday (which just happened to coincide with Mother's Day this year).

We had many talks on the phone the months and weeks before her passing. Usually our conversations happened on Sunday afternoons. Of course, as Minnesotans (me, a transplant to Oregon over 20 years ago), we always had to talk about the weather. After that, we shared our "what's happening" stories from week to week, always ending our calls with "I love you's."

Not surprising, I guess, I first noticed that I was missing Mom the most on Sundays. No more afternoon calls. No more "weather reports." No more "updates" on the relatives, children, and grandchildren. No more "check-ins" about each others physical maladies. No more "I love you's" for (and from) my Mother.

First among memories to emerge was of the last time I visited her in my hometown where my Mom had lived over 60 years. My life partner, Anita, and I had conversations with her unlike most any of our talks in the past. Mom wanted to show us old pictures from her early years and her high school yearbook, plus have us read her diary from her high school years. Her diary entries were mostly one sentence about what she did "that day" or "things that happened" to her and family members. I loved learning how often she enjoyed going to the movies (she lived on a farm a few miles from town) as well as her excitement over her (few) new dresses.

Mom was smart -- valedictorian of her high school class in 1943. As I recall, she had wanted to be a doctor (I'm sure she would have made a great one). But that would not be her career destiny. She married my Dad while still a teenager and followed him West where the Army had sent him for training. Off she went to Colorado Springs, Portland, and Phoenix where she was while Dad headed to France for the "big war."

Mom was especially proud of her "Rosy the Riveter" work in the shipyards of Portland. Once when she visited us in Oregon, we took her the Rose City neighborhood were she had lived. She still remembered the address so we drove to the little house (which she said still looked the same) where she had rented a room . Although she protested my suggestion that we knock on the door (with her usual "I don't want to bother anyone" comment) to see if we could see her old room, she came along and the residents cheerfully welcomed us in. Mom excitedly went up the stairs to see her room and then looked around the kitchen and explored the rest of her former home. It definitely was the "high point" of her return trip to Portland!

Looking back at Mom's life, I realized that less than two years after she graduated from high school, she gave birth to a boy in Minnesota (I was the lucky one!). Within the next seven years, she had three more babies. Life got hard for her real fast! And she didn't have a very supportive husband at home. Much of the time my sister and brothers and I were growing up, our Dad was a traveling salesman -- gone most every week and home on weekends. Mom worked waitress jobs at night until she got a telephone operator position with Northwestern Bell in 1956. She worked split-shifts, walking 10 blocks to the office and back twice a day -- for most all of the 25 years she worked there before retiring in 1981.

About a year after I graduated from high school and had been away at college, Mom divorced my father. She should have done it many years before in my view. From what I remember of their relationship, there was little affection and lots of conflict over money and parenting. And Mom never got the respect she deserved. Unfortunately, not long after the divorce she met another man who gave her even less respect. Thankfully, she ended that relationship and, as far as I know, that was "it" for her with men and marriage.

Mom lived by herself in the same little house we called home for over 20 years after her retirement. After a fall down the basement stairs and brief time in a nursing home for rehab, she decided it was time to move (a big surprise to us all!). She moved directly to an independent senior living apartment (a place I had worked exactly one day of my life hauling bricks during construction when I was a teenager). With more people around to socialize with, she thrived for most of her years there. Then in her 85th year, physical ailments eventually resulted in a move to a nursing home (which she could see from her apartment window).

Mom was happy at the nursing home (even with most of the food!). She felt safe, especially from falling in the night, and enjoyed day-to-day conversations with the staff people who cared for her. After a fall backward during one of her many hallway walks with her walker (which didn't break any bones but left her in pain), within a few weeks she declined physically until the day of her death.

During the whole time Mom was living alone until her last breath, my "little" brother who lived in the same town provided care for her. What a blessing he was to Mom for those many years! What a blessing he was to her adult children! It's difficult to convey the depth of gratitude I feel for all that my brother did for Mom. He demonstrated his love and respect for her in his devotion to making her life as comfortable as he could for many years.

Mother's Legacy

What Mom valued most in her life were her family and her faith. She devoted herself to supporting four children during their growing up years, working many hours every week at her telephone operator job, then coming home to housework and cooking to feed her kids. And she did it without a "man around the house" to share in supporting the family. Thankfully, when she retired, she had a small pension, social security, and health insurance that would support her during her retirement years. She also had eleven grandchildren and eleven great-grandchildren to correspond with (and enjoy their visits), plus neighborhood friends to visit and talk with on the phone.

Mom made sure her children went to church and got religious training as youngsters through confirmation age (at the largest Lutheran church in town). She attended church and made sure she was always there when I was singing in the choir during my high school years. While I don't know at what age she devoted her life to Jesus Christ as her Savior, my sense is that for more than half of her life her faith was her guiding light. She was definitely at peace with her passing and ready to return to Jesus long before she died.

Mom was a lifelong walker -- both to her job and in her retirement years. She moved along at a determined pace (what I call our "Minnesota cold morning" speed). Even when she had to use a walker during the last months of her life, she walked the halls of the nursing home most every day. Among the things I know she enjoyed were doing crossword puzzles, watching the Chicago Cubs and Minnesota Twins on TV (and local sports teams), listening to A Prairie Home Companion (and Garrison's tales from Lake Wobegon), reading the Harmony Porch Tale books by Phillip Gulley, making lefse (we ate them as fast as she could make them!), and baking other goodies for her children and grandchildren (peanut butter cookies, sticky buns, coffee cake, bread sticks, and more).

Among her most notable traits, Mom was unselfish to her core and seemed uncomfortable with receiving attention and gifts. Hearing her say, "Oh, don't bother" and "I don't want to be a bother" will echo in my ears for the rest of my life. She even had made all the arrangements for her own funeral so she "wouldn't be a bother" to her children!

At her funeral on a beautiful sunny day in May (two days before her birthday), I spoke for the family and myself during the service. I shared some memories and thoughts about her life. It was a tearful experience and I can't recall much of what I spontaneously said. Thankfully, my partner Anita, who wasn't able to travel at the time, had given me some words of her own about my Mom to read in remembrance. Here's are some excerpts of her sharing:

"Over the years, I experienced Bernice as kind, considerate, non-judgmental and thoughtful. She always remembered birthdays, including my childrens', taking time to write a personal note ... remembering and inquiring about their special interests, even my son whom she never met. She had a strong sense of fairness and all grandchildren got their birthdays remembered.

Bernice was curious and smart---truly interested in current events, sports and especially what was going on in the lives of her loved ones. A beautiful woman of intelligence, courage and genuine caring ... I feel blessed to have known her.

She will always hold a special place in my heart."

"
As she will in mine. Thank you for your love and support throughout my life, Mom. Thank you, Bernice Mae (Klefsaas) Peterson for the life you lived.

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Life Legacies: A Life of Immersion with Jacqueline Novogratz

2011-09-09T17:00:00.000-07:00

I came across another video from the 2010 TEDWomen conference that spoke to me about life legacies. Jacqueline Novogratz shares powerful, inspiring stories that demonstrate "living a life of immersion." Enjoy!

Some Wisdom from Steve Jobs

2011-09-08T17:02:00.000-07:00

While I've certainly enjoyed using the products that Steve Jobs and Apple have created over the years, I've never been a fan of the man's management style (which has been described by others as "psychological manipulation" at best and "brutal -- this is shit -- putdowns" at worst).

Reading an article in Newsweek on "How Apple Revolutionized Our World" by Paul Theroux,
I was please to learn what the author called "the essential things to know about Jobs life (that) emerged in a speech he gave in spring 2005 at Stanford University." In his commencement address, Jobs noted:

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

For the full text of Jobs commencement address, here's a link.

NOTE: Steve Jobs died on October 5, 2011 at the age of 56.

Life Lessons: Joan Halifax on Compassion

2011-09-07T17:00:00.000-07:00

When working as a hospice volunteer, I did lots of reading about death and dying. One of the writers I admired for her work is Joan Halifax, a Buddhist priest. Her latest book is "Being with Dying: Cultivating Compassion and Fearlessness in the Presence of Death."

Today I came across this TED video of Ms. Halifax that I wanted to share (and keep for myself so I can return to it for viewing in moments when I feel I've lost touch with compassion!).

Life's Decisions: Dorcas Smucker

2011-09-06T20:16:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite local writers is a "nearing age 50" woman named Dorcas Smucker. Her "Letters from Harrisburg" have been published in the Sunday edition of The Register-Guard for many years (and have been turned into books by the author). I highly recommend them all.

Today, Dorcas wrote about "life decisions," asking herself about her life choices (which she notes that she has seldom done). Among the gems of wisdom in her story I think is worth remembering every day of our lives is:

"What I realize now is that maybe what we see as the big life decisions of career and education and location are actually the small ones. The big decisions are the ones that transcend every place and relationship and job — integrity and kindness, mercy and generosity, love and joy and justice."

You can read the full story on the newspaper site or on Dorcas Smucker's blog, "Life in the Shoe."

Enjoy!

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A Poet's "Sayings"

2011-03-28T08:32:00.000-07:00

Some "sayings" of Robert Frost about poetry and his life learnings (from the Writer's Almanac):

He said: "A poem begins with a lump in the throat; a homesickness or a love-sickness. It is a reaching out toward expression, an effort to find fulfillment. A complete poem is one where an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found the word."

And, "A poem begins in delight and ends in wisdom."

And, "Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."

And, "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

I wonder if I can sum up my life in three words? What would your three words be?

Even More "Pickles" Wisdom

2011-03-25T12:38:00.000-07:00

I love how a cartoonist can so clearly state great lessons for living one's life (capturing the wisdom of elders and youngsters in just four frames).

Wonder if I could create a cartoon version of my life legacy? In four frames? Suppose that would be a more colorful version of writing your life story in six words ... or 17 syllables in a haiku. Anybody willing to take on the challenge?

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More "Pickles" Wisdom

2011-03-16T19:43:00.000-07:00

I've been away from my blog for several months while working on projects for a journal that focuses on successful adolescent development. Reading the comics in the newspaper today, I was reminded of my work with life legacies:

Are you asking any (or many) "dang questions" at this time of your life? What questions are you asking?

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The Third Chapter of Life

2010-09-09T11:15:00.000-07:00

One of the joys of working with people who are writing about their personal legacies is hearing their life stories and learning about changes they've made in their lives. Many of the stories I've heard have involved the changes the women and men have made in what sociologist Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot calls "The Third Chapter" of life.

In her book, The Third Chapter: Passion, Risk, and Adventure in the 25 Years After 50, Lawrence-Lightfoot explores the "ways in which men and women between the ages of fifty and seventy-five find ways of changing, adapting, exploring, mastering, and channeling their energies, skills, and passions into new domains of learning." She "challenges the still-prevailing and anachronistic images of aging by documenting and revealing the ways in which the years between fifty and seventy-five may, in fact, be the most transformative and generative time in our lives; it traces the ways in which wisdom, experience, and new learning inspire individual growth and cultural transformation."

The author interviewed forty women and men across the U.S. and found common themes, among them the urge for "leaving a legacy", for "giving back" and "giving forward", and for "making an imprint." In the life legacy workshops I've conducted, these themes have emerged as well -- from women in their 70's who are creating art after a life of work as teachers and homemakers, from a retired man in his 60's writing a screenplay about being the only white member of a black baseball team in his youth, and from others who are devoting their lives to work for volunteer organizations after years in the corporate world.

For many, The Third Chapter requires a "paradigm shift" in their lives, often "to align our professed values with our actions, our rhetoric with our behaviors." Lawrence-Lightfoot notes that such a shift can be "confusing, risky, and passionate -- are likely to be more difficult and demanding than the learning we have experienced at earlier stages of our lives, making the journey forward feel more hazardous. The stories we compose are our only map."

If you've already passed the age of 50, I think you'll find the stories of people interviewed for the book both interesting and inspirational, especially if you're seeking a more creative, purposeful life. And Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot's conclusions about successful aging and lifelong learning, the innovations required in our schools, and the need for intergenerational dialogues to challenge society and cultural presumptions, offer a compelling vision to bring change to our institutions and our lives.

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NOTE: To watch an interview with Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot about The Third Chapter, see Bill Moyer's Journal. Also, my recent blog posting on the Legacy of Education: A "Cherishing" School Culture reflects on one of the author's conclusions to her book.

Legacy of Education: A "Cherishing" School Culture

2010-09-08T10:04:00.001-07:00

For the past two years, I've worked half-time for Wellsprings Friends School, an alternative high school in Eugene. My contract ended in June so tomorrow I'll be missing the first "morning circle" that marks the beginning of the new school year.

In light of my experience at the school, I've been thinking about the legacy of education in our lives. And, in my reading of Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot's The Third Chapter this summer, I found the best way to describe the Wellsprings approach to educating young people: a "cherishing" school culture.

In the conclusion to Lawrence-Lightfoot's book, she quotes Mary Catherine Bateson on the need for cherishing to be fully open to learning throughout one's life:

"One of the things we know about the human capacity to keep on learning, to remain young at heart and willing to learn, is that it needs to be supported by cherishing. We needed to be cherished as infants, and as adults we need to cherish our children. But if we want a society of people willing and open and ready to learn, it has to be a kinder, gentler society, because we need a lot of mutual support to face change, to give up things we've always believed in."

The author believes that "our contemporary preoccupation with testing" in schools leads to "a narrowing and standardization of learning that neglects the building of the 'edifice' of life. And I believe that the parts of the school curriculum -- the arts and humanities, sports, and community service in particular -- that are the first to be eliminated when schools are facing budget cuts, may be the very arenas that support approaches to learning that will emerge as important to sustaining development across the life span."

Lawrence-Lightfoot calls for a "shift to a more embracing, generous, complex curriculum, and a more 'cherishing' school culture (that) will require changes in societal expectations, cultural priorities, and educational policies. In turn, it will require that teachers in our schools see themselves as lifelong learners, modeling for their students a curiosity about life and a fearless pursuit of knowledge; this, in turn, will nourish the imagination, questioning, storytelling, intellectual discipline, and adventurousness of the students in their classrooms."

In my view, Wellsprings Friends School models just such a "cherishing school culture." Its teachers show their love for their students and demonstrate their love of learning each day.

My hope is that the radical changes needed in our education system (and coming eventually) will leave a legacy of cherishing for future generations of lifelong learners.

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The Legacy of War: Wisdom for My Loved Ones (Revisited Once Again)

2010-08-06T10:54:00.003-07:00

Seems like the subject of "war" keeps smacking me in the face year after year. Last month while meandering up the street at the Mississippi St. Fair in Portland a young man handed me a little booklet titled "War Is A Racket." Written by General Smedley Butler, one of the most decorated officers in long history of the Marine Corp, it was first published in 1935. I finally got around to reading the booklet and was struck by how relevant the General's viewpoint is for today.

On the first page Butler states that " War is a racket. It always has been. It is possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious. It is the only one international in scope. It is the only one in which profits are reckoned in dollars and losses in lives." He goes on in brief chapters to cover who makes the profits, who pays the bills, how to smash this racket, and concludes with "to hell with war!" Coming from a man who had "been there" in multiple combat operations during his distinguished service, he's someone whose viewpoint I wish our president and congress were paying attention to right now.

This morning, reading Bob Herbert's opinion piece in the newspaper brought me to tears. Suicides by our soldiers continue to rise. And "July was the deadliest month yet for American troops in Afghanistan. Sixty-six were killed, which was six more than the number who died in the previous most deadly month, June. The nation is paying little or no attention to those deaths, which is shameful. The president goes to fund-raisers and yuks it up on “The View.” For most ordinary Americans, the war is nothing more than an afterthought."

Herbert goes on to say that "It’s time to bring the curtain down for good on these tragic, farcical wars. The fantasy of democracy blossoming at the point of a gun in Iraq and spreading blithely throughout the Middle East has been obliterated. And it’s hard to believe that anyone buys the notion that the U.S. can install a successful society in the medieval madness of Afghanistan." I do not buy such a notion.

Once again as I posed 10 months ago: How do you view the legacy of war in your lifetime? What are your personal stories about war and its impact on you and your family members? Have you changed your views during your lifetime on the necessity (or lack of) for war ... in Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, and/or any terrorist organizations?

More Wisdom from Pickles

2010-07-29T21:18:00.000-07:00

When I read the comics in this morning's newspaper, I pondered the wisdom of the two guys (at least one of them) who may be a few years older than I am ...

Reminded me to practice the first rule of effective teaching: talk less, listen more.

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The Things You Would Have Said

2010-07-20T11:27:00.000-07:00

Reading a story on the front page of today's Oregonian newspaper brought to mind why I think it is so important to consider your life legacy "before it's too late." Titled "A home for letters from the heart," the article featured a Portland woman's website that collects letters from people who have words they've wanted to share with someone but didn't or couldn't. You can check out the letters on her website at www.wouldhavesaid.com.

If you have words you want to say to people in your life but haven't done it yet, I encourage you to do it today in person or by letter. And, if the person has died, write a letter to them anyway and read it aloud to a friend or send it to Jackie Hooper's website.

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Remembering A Rumi Poem

2010-04-14T22:14:00.000-07:00

Reading the Rumi poem "Begin" reminded me of the time in my life when I often read his poems when I lead workshops for men in the 1990's. My favorite poem to recite was:

These spiritual window-shoppers,
who idly ask, 'How much is that?' Oh, I'm just looking.
They handle a hundred items and put them down,
shadows with no capital.

What is spent is love and two eyes wet with weeping.
But these walk into a shop,
and their whole lives pass suddenly in that moment,
in that shop.

Where did you go? "Nowhere."
What did you have to eat? "Nothing much."

Even if you don't know what you want,
buy something, to be part of the exchanging flow.

Start a huge, foolish project,
like Noah.

It makes absolutely no difference
what people think of you.

Those last lines aways surprised people and blew me away when I first read them. Of course, they were counter to everything my Minnesota Lutheran "nice boy" upbringing had taught me. It has been a longtime challenge to get to a place even close to living Rumi's words ... "It makes absolutely no difference what people think of you."

As far as starting "a huge foolish project, like Noah," I haven't identified a metaphorical "ark" to build yet (or the water hasn't risen high enough -- or gotten deep enough -- for me to get the message!).

Have you created "a huge foolish project" during your lifetime? No matter how it turned out, I encourage you to write about it in your ethical will. And, if you have such a project in mind, get it started ... and make it part of your life legacy!

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Some Rumi Wisdom

2010-04-13T18:36:00.000-07:00

In the hospice volunteer newsletter I received today was a little Rumi poem with "life legacy" wisdom:

BEGIN

This is now. Now is,
all there is. Don't wait for Then;
strike the spark, light the fire.

Sit at the Beloved's table,
feast with gusto, drink your fill

then dance
the way branches
of jasmine and cypress
dance in a spring wind.

The green earth
is your cloth;
tailor your robe
with dignity and grace.

~ Rumi ~

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Best Advice You Actually Followed

2010-04-13T15:08:00.000-07:00

I read an interview with author Chang-rae Lee last month in which the interviewer asked him a great question:

The best piece of advice you actually followed?

His answer:

"Honor what you love, whether it's a person or vocation or idea."

Lee's mentor and good friend, poet Garrett Hongo, gave him that advice.

Knowing and doing "what I love" is the best guide I've found for living a contented life. Seems like it took me way too many years to realize that truth. But I'm grateful that I learned that life lesson before I'm on my deathbed ... and that I've had more years to "practice" than I ever expected.

What's the best advice you received that you actually followed?

Photo Credit: Denise Applewhite

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Time for a "New Look"

2010-04-13T14:49:00.000-07:00

Since starting this blog four years ago, I haven't changed the "look" of the layout and color schemes. It's time for a more expansive layout that uses the whole screen page (which I find easier to read as my eyes age) plus allows larger photos and video screens.

I expect to begin writing more often about life legacy issues as my other work projects slow down in June for the summer.

Let me know what you're thinking about in regard to your life legacy or for creating your ethical will.

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The Long View

2010-03-11T20:54:00.000-08:00

This morning I heard an interview with Desmond Tutu on NPR's occasional series called "The Long View." Great interview ... as are many of the others in the series. Hearing Tutu's words reminded me that I had not written a blog post on life legacies for a long while.

For the past year and a half, I've been busy with a half-time job as Outreach & Development Director for a local alternative high school. It has been great fun being with teenagers on a regular basis (to complement my time with older adults). I started a blog for the school and have written most of the posts). Along the way, I've updated the school's website and learned a lot about social networks (joining Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, YouTube, and Picasa Web Albums). Not exactly what I expected to be doing the year I turned 65! Guess I needed to challenge my brain with lots of new technology, creative writing, and photography -- "accidentally" adding another chapter to my life legacy.

What unexpected changes have happened in your life that have added new "chapters" or life lessons to your life? And, if you were interviewed for "The Long View," what would you want to share with NPR's listeners (and everyone in your life)? Your comments are welcomed.

The Legacy of War: Wisdom for My Loved Ones (Revisited)

2009-10-19T17:18:00.000-07:00

About 2 1/2 years ago, I posted a story I called "The Legacy of War: Wisdom for My Loved Ones." Our then president (in lockstep with his vocal VP) and military leaders were calling for a "surge" strategy in Iraq. Today, our generals in Afghanistan, right-wing commentators, and conservative politicians are saber-rattling about the need for a new "surge" of troops, putting pressure on our new president to send 40,000 or more troops to war (which President Obama called "the right war" during his presidential campaign). At least this time around , our new VP is calling for different strategy.

The issue got my full attention after viewing a debate on PBS about the Afghan "surge" strategy between retired Army General Jack Keane and retired Army Colonel Andrew Bacevich, an international relations professor at Boston University who spent twenty-three years serving in the US Army (then recently reading an article titled "The Generals' Revolt: The Military Revolt Over Afghanistan" by Robert Dreyfuss in Rolling Stone).

So what does this have to do with life legacies (and my own life legacy in particular)? While the Afghan war likely will not have a direct effect on my two sons (in their 30's), my young grandchildren could eventually be impacted by the eight-year and "no end in sight" war in Afghanistan. That would make it all too personal whether or not I'm still alive when that war or some other new war ends.

Having lived through the Vietnam era as an Army Reservist (see my previous blog post on war), the Afghan war is certainly echoing (if not repeating) our experience in Vietnam. The word "quagmire" (the word most often used about the Vietnam war) has even reappeared in the news, spoken by no less than President Obama in a recent interview.

As I noted in "The Legacy of War," the most powerful words of wisdom I've ever heard about war were delivered by Chris Hedges, author of the 2002 book, "War Is A Force That Gives Life Meaning," in a speech he gave:

"War in the end is always about betrayal: betrayal of the young by the old, soldiers by politicians, and idealists by cynics."

I would add "betrayal of presidents by military leaders (and retired generals)" -- as it appeared to me during the Vietnam War and certainly does now.

I was born at the end of World War II in which my father served and was wounded in France. He survived but never spoke to me about his wartime experience. By my count, the U.S. has been at war in some country for more than half the years of my life. What does that say about America and the human psyche? I don't have an answer but it's clear to me that there's truth in the statement that "you don't make peace by making war."

What I do know for sure is that far too many young men and women will be killed and wounded in Afghanistan (as they were/are in Iraq) in a "surge" or any military strategy of escalation. And that will be a terrible waste of life to protect a country from being a "safe haven for terrorists." Plus, I wonder about the extraordinary level of arrogance it takes to expect our military to change a tribal culture, much less "win" any war against insurgencies and gangsters intent on terrorizing the "free world."

How do you view the legacy of war in your lifetime? What are your personal stories about war and its impact on you and your family members? Have you changed your views during your lifetime on the necessity (or lack of) for war ... in Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, and/or any terrorist organizations?

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Reflections of a Life Legacy Blogger

2009-10-18T16:37:00.000-07:00

When I began writing this blog in early April of 2006, I wasn't sure where it would lead me. It was my first blog and I had just begun helping people create their own ethical wills. As I look back over the past 3 1/2 years, I've posted 142 times -- most of which were written in the first two years. Other work projects, including writing blogs for the Emerald Art Center, the Springfield Beacon, and Wellsprings Friends School, have reduced the time I've been able to devote to this blog.

It's a bit amazing to look at the data on who has read the life legacy blog since July 2006 when I started keeping track. As of today, there have been 4,499 visitors from 82 countries and all 50 states in the U.S. (a little less than half of the total visitors were from the U.S.). Just a little over 25% of visitors returned to the site. There have been 6007 visits and 11,315 page views. Visitors have looked at an average of 2.20 pages per visit and spent an average of 2.04 minutes on the site (the longest visit was 26.10 minutes).

The state of Oregon accounted for 1338 visitors who spent an average of 4.07 minutes on the site. They came from 36 cities throughout the state, most from the Eugene and Portland areas.

Among the 10 most popular posts are:

1. Writing A Personal Legacy Letter (accounted for 12% of total visits)
2. Examples of Ethical Wills
3. Life Lessons: The Power of Empathy
4. "Just a Mom, Writing About Life"
5. Pema Chodron's Commentary on the Four Reminders
6. Topic Outlines for An Ethical Will
7. Seven Questions to Explore in Your Ethical Will: "Who Am I?"
8. Spiritual Will & Ethical Will: Are They Different?
9. Life Lessons: A Quote to Remember
10.Writing a "Dying Letter": Elizabeth Edwards Story

Not long after starting the blog, I created a website describing my services for people interested in life legacies. For individuals who wanted to create their own ethical-spiritual will, I added a Wiki to my website with starter questions to consider.

Looking ahead, I intend to continue posting about personal life legacies, ethical-spiritual wills, and other related subjects including brief reviews of books I read during the year.

As always, your feedback and comments are welcomed.

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Life Lessons: Solitude and Silence

2009-09-07T13:31:00.000-07:00

This week I read Anne LeClaire's new book, Listening Below the Noise: A Meditation on the Practice of Silence. The book describes her experience of practicing total silence on two Mondays each month for over seventeen years.

In LeClaire's chapter on "Nourishing the Creative Self," I appreciated what she says about the power of imagination:

"Today our imaginations are under siege by a constant barrage of noise and busyness. Our culture regards solitude and silence as something to be avoided. We would rather scrub grout than spend expended time alone.

A high cost comes from this. We have lost the path by which we journey to the place deep within where dreams and stories and visions appear. As Picasso noted, solitude is necessary for this work. In silence's calm surrounds, we discover the power of imagination and throw open the gates to creativity. In the opulent luxury of solitude, time becomes elastic and creative impulses surface and are allowed room to breathe. Sitting quietly, we gently enter our own inner worlds. Daydreaming, Woolgathering. Lost in space. These are rich and fertile activities. The playgrounds of imagination."

Thankfully, at this stage of my life I have many hours of solitude each week -- some of the time in silence (but never full days like the Ms. LeClaire). Knowing how important solitude is for nourishing my creativity and inner life, I may well give the author's practice of silence a try. I definitely want to reduce the noise and distractions in my life and would welcome an upsurge in creativity. Her experience transformed her life, igniting her creativity and fostering new connections with others, with herself, and with nature.

I enjoyed reading about Anne LeClaire's discoveries from answering an unexpected call to "Sit in silence." Now the question for me is "When will you start?"

If you decide to read the book, please send along your comments. Or share your experiences of silence and solitude.

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Life Lessons: A Quote to Remember

2009-08-20T14:48:00.000-07:00

I've been away from the blog for quite awhile devoting much of my time over the past 10 months to outreach work for an alternative high school (where I've been blogging!). When I came across this quote from Eckhart Tolle in the "Sunbeams" section of The Sun (Aug. 2009), I decided to add it to my postings on life lessons:

"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment."

I've recognized the wisdom in this quote much later in my life than I would have liked to have "gotten it." At least now I'm getting closer to "at this moment" in knowing why I'm having an experience in my life ... whether I like or not!

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Lessons from the Worst Buddhist in the World

2009-06-05T18:21:00.000-07:00

This week I finished reading Mary Pipher's new book, Seeking Peace: Chronicles of the Worst Buddhist in the World. The book is a memoir that explores the lessons of her life, including her "meltdown" after the huge success of her book, Reviving Ophelia.

Near the end of "Seeking Peace," Pipher offers an instructive view of her life questions:

"My questions about my life are all of our eternal questions: How can we best develop our gifts and use them to help others? How can we keep growing until we stop breathing? How can we stay present? How can we be happy? The answers are universal answers: Pay attention, tell the truth, be kind, and find things to appreciate and enjoy every day. Try to learn something from everyone. Be open to wonder."

If you are a "fan" of Mary Pipher's writing and have read any of her books (Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders, The Shelter of Each Other: Rebuilding Our Families, Writing to Change the World, and others), you'll find her candid and moving account of her life so far (at age 60) a worthwhile book to put on your summer reading list.

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Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die

2009-06-01T19:20:00.000-07:00

I came across this video that features "five secrets" for living from a book by John Izzo. The book is based on the successful Biography Channel television series "The Five Things You Must Discover Before You Die." While I haven't read the book yet, the video shares the essence of the author's findings with beautiful visuals.

I plan to read the book and will write a review of it in a future posting. If you saw the television series or have read the book, I'd appreciate your comments.

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Tribute to a Mentor: John Woodrow

2009-04-30T10:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I learned about the sudden death at age 59 of a man who hired me 10 years ago to work with him to help provide employment for adults with developmental disabilities. At the time, I had been self-employed for a dozen years and felt ready for a change as I approached my mid-50s. John Woodrow took the risk of hiring this "older guy" to join him at the non-profit organization.

A front page story about John in the Register Guard told much about the public side of his life. He was truly a public servant, devoted to his adopted community. The story on the Springfield Times website offered a more personal look at his life from people who were his friends.

I had the privilege of working with John for nearly three years. Over the years since then, we saw each other at community business meetings and spoke on the phone several times (usually when I was asking him to be a reference for me, which he always graciously agreed to do).

During our years of working together, what I remember most about John was his fairness, inventiveness, and clear communications style. Once, when the executive director at the time was attempting to place blame on me for a sales slump during a difficult time for the non-profit, John backed me up and saved my job -- at least for a little while. John's proposals for making changes to the production operations (which would have opened the door to significant sales opportunities) were met with deaf ears by the executive director. And John ended up getting "cut loose" from the organization a few months before I was. All turned out for the better for both of us (and for the organization when their Board hired a new executive director).

I loved John's inventiveness in creating ways for developmentally disabled people to produce and package products for our business clients. He would play around with various "jigs" and other contraptions that made it possible for the jobs to get done. John was also a "grand master" of spreadsheets. Yes, spreadsheets. He designed ways to capture and analyze production and cost data that must have taken many hours to create on his computer. His understanding of production operations and business management was exceptional.

John was a "no B.S." kind of guy from Wisconsin. You always knew what he stood for and where he stood on issues. While he and I were far apart politically, I always supported his election and reelection to public office because I knew he was a "straight shooter" with a heart of gold. His contributions to his community (and the accolades he received and richly deserved) over just 12 years in Springfield were "awesome" in the truest sense of the word.

As I reflect on my time with John, I think the most significant thing he showed me through the way he lived and worked was the importance of "showing up fully-prepared and ready to make a meaningful contribution" to whatever you've chosen to do in your life. While not a new life learning for me, it is one that John demonstrated so well and so completely that I won't ever forget it.

May all the many friends and colleagues of John Woodrow celebrate him for the contributions he made to our lives and our community. I'll miss him.

PHOTO CREDIT: Craig Murphy/Springfield Times

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ADDENDUM

I attended the Celebration of Life for John on May 1oth, along with hundreds of other people. Speakers included several public officials who celebrated John's service to our community, his faith, his love of family, friends, and his dogs, and his gentlemanly way of being in the world.

Among his many forms of service, John was a champion for the K-9 dogs employed by our police department. It touched me to see three of their dogs sitting next to a standing policeman throughout the celebration.
And what looked like our whole police force was sitting in two rows ahead of me along the the Chief who spoke about John's support of policing in Springfield.

While I could say much more about the service, I prefer to post a couple of the photos of John from the program. Thanks also to John Rodney Woodrow, III -- his son -- who posted a comment about our blog posting.

Living in Oregon: A Legacy of Beauty (Spring)

2009-04-29T20:34:00.000-07:00

Over 20 years ago, my dear partner and I moved to Oregon. She has taught me more about beauty than anyone in my life and, especially, about the beauty in nature.

In springtime, it's dangerous to have a digital camera in your hands. So much beauty, so many choices, too few megabytes.

Here a just a few of the many photos I've taken walking in the neighborhood.

I better stop ... before you decide to move to Oregon. You're welcome to come, but as they told us 20 years ago, be sure to bring a job with you!

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The Wisdom of "Pickles": Journal Writing

2009-04-29T15:05:00.000-07:00

It's a good thing that Grandma is still writing in a journal and hasn't started a blog:

Pickles Comics - April 29, 2009

Maybe it's time for her favorite guy to start his own blog to share his wisdom (and experience in a long-lasting relationship) with the world. On the other hand, maybe not.

Pickles Comics - April 28, 2009

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The Gates Legacy: Interview with William & Bill

2009-04-29T14:41:00.000-07:00

I just watched a father-son interview with William and Bill Gates. On a wide-range of topics (with a focus around William's new book "Showing Up for Life: Thoughts on the Gifts of a Lifetime"), both men shared insights on their life and work together.

As someone who had a troubled relationship with his father, I was touched by what the Gates' men had to say about one another and the way in which they said it. And I'm pleased that this 83 year old and 59 year old "duo" have taken on such huge projects with the Gates Foundation -- ending malaria and AIDS -- and the U.S. education system. While I'll be long gone from this life before their goals are achieved, I'm more hopeful than ever knowing that these guys are focusing their lives (and billions) on the problems.

I'm going to order the new book and expect I'll enjoy reading the life lessons of Bill gates, Sr.

Wisdom on Living & Dying - Frank Langella Interview

2009-04-17T19:37:00.000-07:00

For some reason, my mind keeps recalling statements that actor Frank Langella made during an interview Charlie Rose did with him in January:

"You must not attack anyones defense for living."

"It's not right to invade someones defenses."

He made the remarks near the end of the amazing 28 minute interview (start at minute 20) -- and also discussed issues of dying in the video. Charlie Rose did a masterful (and sometimes humorous) job of interviewing the brilliant actor.

Having worked as a counselor (mostly with men and couples) during the 1990's, Langella's statements and my life experience since then seem to have "landed" in a place within that I can only call "wisdom."

Perhaps, with more self-acceptance as I've aged -- coupled with being more able to accept the "defenses for living" of people close to me -- Langella's statements had a deeper meaning for me.

Thank you, Frank Langella and Charlie Rose, for the heartfelt interview. I encourage readers to watch the video. Your feedback is welcomed.

What Matters Most: Living a More Considered Life -- Book Review

2009-04-07T20:08:00.000-07:00

"If we fail to engage in some form of cogent dialogue with the questions which emerge from our depths, then we will live an unconscious, unreflective, accidental life."
-- James Hollis

Longtime readers of this blog may recall that one of my favorite writers is Jungian analyst James Hollis. His most recent book, What Matters Most: Living a More Considered Life, directly deals with many of the life legacy issues I've written about over the past three years.

For anyone who grew up in the Midwest (or anywhere else for that matter), Hollis presents a point-of-view in the book that would make a Norwegian Lutheran "nice boy" wonder why everything he was taught as a child was, shall we say, "less than the truth" about life. According to Hollis:

"We are not here to fit in, be well balanced, or provide exempla for others. We are here to be eccentric, different, perhaps strange, perhaps merely to add our small piece, our clunky, chunky selves, to the great mosaic of being . . . we are here to become more and more ourselves."

That's not what my parents, grandparents, and teachers had in mind for me or any of my friends. I was well-trained to "not rock the boat, be good, be nice, don't 'show off', and that 'appearances' were of tantamount importance." I imagine that just the idea of writing a blog that all the world could see (about anything that mattered to me) would be shameful in their eyes back then and even now.

James Hollis does not discuss the usual "stuff" of what matters most in his book. He notes that matters like family, friends, love, work, and the like that "take care of themselves." Rather, Hollis encourages us to look at matters such as risking growth over security, learning to tolerate ambiguity, not be governed by fear, delighting in creativity and our "foolish passions", engaging spiritual crises, and living fully in the shadow of death. Through his personal reflections and stories of people he has counseled in private practice, the author provides insights and guidance for readers who want to live life to its fullest.

There is so much in this book that I enjoyed that it's hard to decide what to write about. In the chapter in which Hollis asks "that we consider feeding the soul," he says:

"Maybe all us will learn to grapple with the paradox that living our lives more fully is not narcissism, but service to the world when we bring a more fully achieved gift to the collective. We do not serve our children, our friends and partners, our society by living partial lives, and being secretly depressed and resentful. We serve the world by finding what feeds us, and, having been fed, then share our gift with others."

In his chapter focusing on the subject of "writing our own story," Hollis asks us to:

"Imagine what our story would look like if, rather than succumbing to the insistent voices of family or culture, we determined that our vocation was to be a better human. Many, if not most of us, will have run through our lives and never really been here, never really experienced precious moments of mindfulness, asking why, or felt ourselves in the presence of mystery, whether found in the beloved, in nature, in contemplation, in the work of hands, or in whatever venues mystery comes to find us."

He goes on to say: "Personhood is not a gift; it is a continuing struggle; the gift is attained later, and only from living a mindful journey where, prompted by an inner summons, we write our story at last."

I highly recommend the book to anyone interested in "living a more considered life" and risking being who you really are. You may find, as James Hollis does, that "in the end, having a more interesting life, a life that disturbs complacency, a life that pulls us out of the comfortable and thereby demands a larger spiritual engagement than we planned or that feels comfortable, is what matters most."

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Communicating Your Life Choices & Wishes

2009-03-03T21:00:00.000-08:00

A professional colleague of mine, Barbara Passarelli, and her husband Jeff have created a great way to consolidate important information about your life in one place. Barbara is the person I point to in my legacy talks as the best example I've ever known of someone who has "done it all" in preparing herself and her family for both living well and dying well.

They call their new product It’s My Life KIT , “an owner’s manual for your life.” It helps adults organize important life documents and communicate choices and wishes so that trusted people can act on your behalf if you are unable to do so.

KIT stands for "Keep in Touch." The KIT has themed sections with simple checklists: Life History, Legal & Financial, Daily Living, Health Care, and Ethical & Spiritual, which family members and friends can prepare, getting to know each other better in the process. It gives you an opportunity to:

• Write a letter about your life to your loved ones

• Create a personal life history and family tree

• Help your loved ones locate important items

• Make plans for pet care and driving, and for someone to go with you to medical visits/hospital stays

• Prepare an Advance Directive, which allows you to express your wishes for health care

• Review a sample Durable Power of Attorney, which allows someone to act on your behalf in a legal or business matter

• Explain your end-of-life preparation, state personal choices for your care and your memorial

• Create an ethical will, which shares your values, beliefs, stories, joys, and dreams with future
generations

• Put your will/trust, other documents, and some important photos in one place

You will then be able to say with confidence, “... and now you know.”

I contributed my personal legacy letter and ethical will information to the KIT and hope that many people will use them as a guide for completing the documents and will share them with their families.

The KIT retails for $60. Please visit www.itsmylifeKIT.com, email info@itsmylifekit.com, or call Jeff and Barbara at 541.636.3886.

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The Legacy of Bill Holm: Sage of Minnesota

2009-02-28T21:18:00.000-08:00

Reading the Prairie Home Companion newsletter on Friday, I learned about the death of Bill Holm. Garrison wrote a fine tribute to the man who he calls "the sage of Minnesota." Although I never met Bill, Robert Bly introduced me to Holm's stories and poetry. I read Bill's books at my favorite place on the Oregon Coast where I used to go for my solo retreats after leading our "Healing the Hearts of Men" gatherings at Heceta House in the 1990's. The place, called Gull Haven (now Ocean Haven) at the time, has a small cabin -- the Shag's Nest -- out on a point of land overlooking the ocean where Bly often stayed (and, as I recall, Bill Holm frequented himself).

I love poem this poem by Bill, especially the last stanza about the "dark secret of the ones long married."

Wedding Poem For Schele and Phil

A marriage is risky business these days
Says some old and prudent voice inside.
We don't need twenty children anymore
To keep the family line alive,
Or gather up the hay before the rain.
No law demands respectability.
Love can arrive without certificate or cash.
History and experience both make clear
That men and women do not hear
The music of the world in the same key,
Rather rolling dissonances doomed to clash.

So what is left to justify a marriage?
Maybe only the hunch that half the world
Will ever be present in any room
With just a single pair of eyes to see it.
Whatever is invisible to one
Is to the other an enormous golden lion
Calm and sleeping in the easy chair.
After many years, if things go right
Both lion and emptiness are always there;
The one never true without the other.

But the dark secret of the ones long married,
A pleasure never mentioned to the young,
Is the sweet heat made from two bodies in a bed
Curled together on a winter night,
The smell of the other always in the quilt,
The hand set quietly on the other's flank
That carries news from another world
Light-years away from the one inside
That you always thought you inhabited alone.
The heat in that hand could melt a stone.

Take a listen to Bill on the three audio links from past Prairie Home Companion shows (provided below Garrison's tribute to him). And then read his poems, books, and the "Give Us This Day Our Daily Bach" essay on his website. The man left us far too soon ... just 65 years old ... but his legacy lives on in his writings and in our fond memories of this giant of a man with the booming voice and gentle heart.

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Friendship Revisited

2009-02-28T13:15:00.000-08:00

This past month I was reminded about the importance of friendship in my life. Two people who were in my life 30 years ago found my blog and contacted me -- the first was a woman who was my last girlfriend in high school before going to college. We went opposite directions to college -- I went east to St. Olaf; she went west to South Dakota State. What I recall most today is the heartache I felt when I received a "Dear John (Todd)" letter from her not long into my first semester at school (she had fallen in love with another "man"). It took awhile for me to forgive her and move on ... to a new girlfriend I suspect (too many years have passed by for me to recall when I "let go" of my high school sweetheart for a new love).

I don't remember ever seeing her again, not even at class reunions because we've never been to the same reunions. This year, she sent me her Christmas letter and a bunch of photos of herself and her husband and their retirement home overlooking a river valley in Minnesota. Along with the letter was a note inviting to me to visit her and her husband whenever I return to Minnesota. I responded to her with a long email describing highlights of my life today with links to sites on the internet about my family and work life. I know I would enjoy seeing her again and spending some time reminiscing about our "young love" relationship so many years ago. We were great friends in high school (saving one another from the miseries of being young in a small [big for western Minnesota] town in the early '60's). Looking back, I can see that she taught me how to be a friend to the opposite sex -- and how not to break up with a friend of the opposite sex!

My other "old" friend who contacted me last month was a guy called "Gunnar" who was in my life during my "college dropout" years. I had left St. Olaf after my first year (Grampa's money ran out) and headed to Minneapolis to work before getting into the University of Minnesota. My foggy mind doesn't remember much of those years, so I'm hopeful that Gunnar may have a better memory than mine (though there may be some things I don't care to hear about ever again!). We've been exchanging email messages over the past few weeks and I'm enjoying our reconnection. He still has a weird sense of humor and never passes up an opportunity to share his passions and opinions. I laughed out loud when I read his blog post on Harbingers of Spring (and had to write comment on it). I look forward to continuing our conversation in the digital world and, perhaps, getting together face-to-face sometime (whether we do or not, it feels great to have been "found" by a friend ... and still experience what we enjoyed about the friendship after so many years have past).

Then yesterday, I received an email from David, a great friend who has had breakfast with me and a group of men friends nearly every Tuesday morning for 18 years (except for vacation times and when he has gone to India for months at a time). He left in November for 5 months in India, Nepal, and Laos ... and I miss him. I thought his message about his past ten years offered some wisdom for all the rest of us:

"Going from an overly busy life to retirement is not always easy and one has to face one's inner demons at some point. I continue to be blessed with comparatively good heath and have been able to stay active which has been a part of my life style for years. I have also been blessed with a loving family and many friends. My bucket list has nothing on it at this time since I was able to get back to the Himalayas one more time this Fall. In the past ten years, I have buried both of my parents and have lost some friends along the way as well ... not to mention some who are now actively shedding their forms. Death is always a good reminder of not knowing how much time we have. So as I told a friend recently, keep your bucket list short and your fences mended and never put off 'til tomorrow what is truly important to you."

What's left on your "bucket list"? Do you have any "fences" to mend with anyone in your life? What really matters to you that you have been putting off 'til tomorrow? Any friends from the past that you'd like to reconnect with?

Thank you Beverly, Gunnar, and David for your friendship "back then" and now in my life!

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Start A Fire In Your Life: Read Inspiring Poetry

2008-11-19T18:49:00.000-08:00

Here's an article I wrote for the upcoming December issue of Springfield Connection magazine. It speaks to the impact that poetry has had on my life over the past 20 years. I've published my first book of haiku poems (using www.blurb.com) and have another one in process that contains haiku from my men's group weekends at Heceta House in the early 1990's.

"Poetry at its best calls forth our deep Being, bids us live by its promptings; it dares us to break free from the safe strategies of the cautious mind; it calls to us, like wild geese, from an open sky." -- Roger Housden

Change is in the air. The election campaign called for "change we can believe in." The new season brings a change in the weather. And a change of year will soon be upon us.

About 20 years ago, I changed my attitude about the value of reading poetry. I began reading poems aloud to myself, to my life partner, and to groups. I began writing haiku poems and teaching men in weekend gatherings to write their own haiku (and read them aloud, sometimes reluctantly!).

Seven years ago I read Roger Housden's ten poems to change your life. Housden chose ten poems that he believes have the "power to change a reader's view of the world, and thereby, their life." With the works of ten inspiring poets -- Pablo Neruda, Mary Oliver, Rumi and others -- and his own personal commentary, the author explores universal themes for living an authentic life.

A year later, ten poems to open you heart came into being. It is devoted to love: to personal love, to love for others, and love for this world and the next. Housden shares his own experiences of love along with the voices of Denise Levertov, Robert Bly, Sharon Olds and seven other poets. This collection includes one of my favorite poems by Robert Bly -- "The Third Body" -- about a man and woman who do not long for anything other than what they already have:

They are content to be where they are, talking or
not talking.
Their breaths together feed someone whom we do
not know.

The depth of their love brings them to a place of spiritual unity:

They obey a third body that they share in common.
They have promised to love that body.

Bly's poem ends in the mystery and paradox of the being we know of but have never seen.

In 2003, ten poems to set you free was published. The poems in this book offer inspiration for claiming one's true life, urging us to stand up for the heart of the life that is ours alone -- once and for all, before it's too late. "It is the truth that sets you free, and these poems are its messengers," says Housden. Among the ten poets featured in this book are Naomi Shihab Nye, David Whyte, Stanley Kunitz, and Jane Hirshfield.

The last of Housden's poetry series appeared four years ago -- ten poems to last a lifetime -- including poems by Billy Collins, Dorianne Laux, and Rainer Maria Rilke and others. While the poems in this collection do not have a particular theme, they represent the enduring qualities of great poetry -- poetry "that allows joy and delight to bubble up from the soul and tears flow from somewhere deep down inside. Ultimately, whatever engages you for a lifetime is an expression of love."

I can vouch for the truth of Roger Housden's claim that "Good poetry has the power to start a fire in your life." It did for me. I encourage you to live dangerously in the New Year. Begin reading poetry. Start a fire in your life. Make a change you can believe in.

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Growing Older Gracefully

2008-10-20T15:39:00.001-07:00

Here's a book review I wrote for the upcoming November issue of Springfield Connection magazine. I highly recommend the book, especially for people over the age of sixty looking for inspiration for living the last stage of their lives.

The Gift of Years: Growing Older Gracefully by Joan Chittister

"Life is not about age, about the length of years we manage to eke out of it. It is about aging, about living into the values offered in every stage of life." -- Joan Chittister

In my classes and workshops on life legacies and positive aging, most all of the participants are in their sixties, seventies, and eighties (the oldest being 98 years of age). And the vast majority of them are women. As a man in his 60's, I've felt blessed to be in the presence of so much collective wisdom and life experience.

I've also been inspired about the possibilities for "growing older gracefully" by reading books such as Joan Chittister's new book, The Gift of Years. The author offers thought-provoking insights about many dimensions of aging in brief chapters on the topics of fulfillment, meaning, solitude, agelessness, limitations, legacy, and thirty-four other central issues of growing older.

Each chapter begins with a memorable quotation, followed by Ms. Chittister's reflections on the issue, and ending with statements on the burdens and blessings of growing older. Her chapter on "Outreach" begins with the quote:

"Few persons," La Rochefoucauld wrote, "know how to be old."

The author goes on to describe how our youth-oriented culture isolates the older population and she calls on elders to reach out to the world. Instead of bemoaning the isolation, older people need to stretch beyond themselves to meet the world.

Social engagement -- not family, not education, not money -- is the key factor in successful aging. Chittister notes that the single most important function of old age is "generativity -- the act of giving ourselves to the needs of the rest of the world." She concludes her reflections on outreach by stating that:

"A burden of these years is the danger of considering ourselves useless simply because we are no longer fulfilling the roles and positions of youth.

A blessing of these years is the freedom to reach out to others, to do everything we can with everything in life that we have managed to develop all these years in both soul and mind for the sake of the rest of the human race."

After reading the book, I felt even more energized and excited about living the last stage of my life. So far, my 60's have been filled with new learnings, outbursts of creativity, and many meaningful life experiences.

I certainly agree with Joan Chittister that this is a "time in which a whole new life is in the making again. But the gift of these years is not merely being alive -- it is the gift of being more fully alive than ever."

Presidential Elections and The Power of Kindness

2008-09-16T20:49:00.000-07:00

With all the election "news" these days (and generally disgusting commercials on the airwaves), I found myself thinking about what I'm most looking for in a President and Senator from Oregon. What will be the next administration's mode of governing and what legacy will the people I vote for leave for future generations?

I wrote the following book review on the subject for the October issue of Springfield Connection:

The Power of Kindness

By Todd Peterson

I’ve had the privilege of voting in ten Presidential elections during my lifetime. Some of the candidates I voted for have won; some have lost. Over the years, the tone and style of campaigns has changed dramatically as candidates have taken advantage of new media and poured millions of dollars into winning votes.

Since the political party conventions this year, I’ve seen the campaign rhetoric and public discourse take a sharp turn toward disrespect, half-truths, and blatant lies. Candidates mock one another, “approve messages” attacking the character of their opponents, and pander to voters with promises of “change” that have no reasonable chance of ever happening.

In the face of this outpouring of disingenuous words, I turned to Piero Ferrucci’s The Power of Kindness for a different view of how to make a positive contribution to the world. In 2006 Ferrucci wrote that our culture was in the midst of a “global cooling.” He noted that “human relations are becoming colder. Communications are becoming more hurried and impersonal. Values such as profit and efficiency are taking on greater importance at the expense of human warmth and genuine presence.”

So where do we start to deal with our “global cooling?” With kindness. Yes, by being kind to one another. Too simple? Absurd in our world of violence, terrorism, war, and hate speech? While not always easy, kindness has “surprising power to transform us, perhaps even more than any other attitude or technique.”

In Ferrucci’s view, “true kindness is a strong, genuine, warm way of being.” It is the starting point for the flow of several positive qualities – honesty, trust, empathy, patience, gratitude, joy and many others. The author describes the interplay of kindness and eighteen human qualities in separate chapters, each containing engaging life stories along with his views on the subject.

In his concluding chapter on “How Kindness Happens”, Ferrucci demonstrates that all we have to do to find opportunities for kindness is to pay attention and see what’s before our eyes. “The opportunity to put things right or to help someone presents itself every moment, and if we respond accordingly, we affirm the truest feelings and highest values life can give.”

Solving the problems of humanity is going to take large numbers of people participating in initiatives to bring about profound cultural changes. No doubt, kindness will be a meaningful factor in changing the world. “Not only is kindness capable of saving humanity” says Ferrucci, “it is already saving it. Have you ever asked yourself how come the world, with all its complex structures hasn’t collapsed?”

As for my concerns about the election campaign, Ferrucci says that “in the political arena, kindness is the giving up of domination and vendetta, and the recognition of others’ points of view, their needs, and their history.” My hope is that our next President and members of Congress will recognize that kindness is a necessity for governing, for living at peace with one another, and for the survival of the planet.

Why Good People Do Bad Things: Book Review

2008-08-11T16:45:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite author/teachers of Jungian psychology is James Hollis. I've written about his work in a previous post and just finished a review of his most recent book. Here's the full text of the review to be published in the September issue of Springfield Connection :

Why Good People Do Bad Things by James Hollis

By Todd Peterson

“We will never experience healing until we come to love our unlovable places, for they, too, ask love of us.” – James Hollis

Jungian analyst and author James Hollis has been a regular visitor to our area, presenting lectures and workshops on the human psyche. I attended his lecture last year which focused on the content of his book, Why Good People Do Bad Things.

My interest in Hollis’ subject began year’s ago when I worked as a counselor in private practice. One of the concepts of analytical psychology that I found most useful was Jung’s idea of the “Shadow.” In my experience, accepting and understanding one’s personal shadow is crucial to gaining the self-knowledge needed to change behavior and live a conscious life.

Hollis defines the Shadow as “composed of all those aspects of ourselves that have a tendency to make us uncomfortable with ourselves. The Shadow is not just what is unconscious, it is what discomforts the sense of self we wish to have.”

Learning about our personal shadow is important because “what is not made conscious will continue to haunt our lives – and the world. In our short transit on this earth, there is more within each of us than we can ever make conscious and assimilate. And yet our quality of life is a direct function of the level of awareness we bring to our daily choices.”

Hollis offers seven questions for doing shadow work in one’s personal life. Among my favorites are: What annoys you most about your partner, or others in general? And, what are the key patterns in your relationships? That is to say, where do Shadow issues manifest in patterns of avoidance, aggression, or repetition? Both of these questions quickly reveal aspects of your personal shadow which, when made conscious, allow you to make different choices in your life.

Along with the personal shadow and how it affects our intimate relationships, Hollis explores the larger Shadow present in our culture – in organizations, corporations, religion, and history. His analysis offers insights into why human history has been so bloody with wars, so repetitive, so self-defeating, and so full of suffering and injustice.

For anyone who wants to better understand human behavior, Why Good People Do Bad Things offers wisdom for bringing greater awareness to the conduct of one’s life and for making a contribution to the healing of the world. ______________________________________________________________________________________

James Hollis will present an evening lecture on Friday, October 3 at 7:00 pm in Room 175 of the U Of O Knight Law School at 15th & Agate. His topic is "Spectral Visitors: The Mystery of Dreams and their Role in the Conduct of Life". General admission is $10, payable at the door. He will conduct an all-day workshop on the same topic the next day at the Sacred Heart Hospital auditorium. The workshop starts at 9:00 AM (registration at 8:30 am). General admission is $75.
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Life Legacy of Randy Pausch (Died July 25, 2008)

2008-07-30T17:41:00.000-07:00

Last Friday morning, Randy Pausch died at the age of 47 after outliving his prognosis by several months. Jeffrey Zaslow who collaborated with Randy on The Last Lecture book and wrote the first article about him in the Wall St. Journal last September offered a heartwarming obituary.

I watched Diane Sawyer's Celebration of Life for Randy on Tuesday night. It was a worthy tribute to the man, his family, and all that he shared with the world during the last months of his life.

My hope is that Randy Pausch's message -- to live your dreams and share what really matters in your life with your loved ones -- will inspire millions of people to take action. To create their own ethical will -- to present their own "last lecture" -- without having to receive a terminal diagnosis from their doctor!

May the blessing Randy Pausch gave his children, his wife, his students and colleagues live on with them and all who were touched by his presence in the last month's of his life.

Life's Unforgettable Moments: Driving Bucky Fuller

2008-07-14T12:16:00.000-07:00

I've enjoyed seeing the resurgence of writing about R. Buckminster Fuller in the media recently. Newsweek ran a story titled, "Bucky's Very Large Dome", and a new exhibition opened this month at the Whitney Museum in New York called "Buckminster Fuller: Starting With the Universe." Other stories have appeared in the New Yorker and the International Herald Tribune and PBS previously ran an American Masters program about Fuller.

I had an unforgettable life experience with Bucky Fuller over 35 years ago. He gave a lecture at my church in Akron, Ohio and I volunteered to take him to the airport for his return home after the event.

Bucky's lecture was a totally mesmerizing experience for the overflow audience. He spoke extemporaneously about his ideas and inventions on "Spaceship Earth" for about five hours non-stop! He was 76 or 77 years of age at the time (which forever changed my views about elders!).

I've never met a more brilliant man. Funny. Lots of wacky and wonderful ideas. A poet, architect (unlicensed), philosopher, visionary, futurist, genius, and oftentimes a "crackpot."

My volunteer driving assignment for Bucky was definitely unforgettable. Soon after he got into the car (after his ever-so-long lecture), he went right to sleep. Of course, I had been hoping to be able to ask him questions about things he said in his lecture .... but that did not happen.

I drove to the Akron airport in silence and when we got there, I got out of the car with him and carried his luggage to the check-in counter. We quickly learned there was no flight to check-in for! Bucky's ticket was for a flight leaving in a half-hour from the airport in Cleveland -- too far away to get him there on time.

Bucky was unfazed by the experience. No explanation or apologies needed. So, back in the car we went, heading my aging Toyota Corolla north for the Cleveland Hopkins Airport. And Bucky went back to sleep, getting in another hour of snooze time.

When we got to the airport, I woke Bucky and told him I'd come in to help make alternative flight arrangements for him but he said "that would not be necessary" (in his memorable New England accent). So I got his one bag of luggage out of my car and handed it to him. He thanked me for the ride and walked through the doors into the airport.

Somehow, in my mind's eye, I can still see the small, balding man (with very thick-lensed glasses) dressed in a dark suit and tie carrying is bag through those doors.

I never saw Bucky Fuller in person again. I read more about him. Enjoyed seeing what he was proposing for inhabitants of Spaceship Earth. And I grieved our world's loss when I heard that he had died in 1983 at the age of 87.

I liked what the Newsweek writer, Cathleen McGuigan, said in the conclusion to her story:

"... his central message, if you can boil it all down still hits home. 'We are on a spaceship, a beautiful one,' he wrote. 'It took billions of years to develop. We're not going to get another. Now, how do we make this spaceship work?' Earth to Bucky: we're still trying to figure that out."

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Listen to Yourself: Start Writing Your Story

2008-06-23T21:28:00.000-07:00

Came across a copy of the July/August issue of AARP Magazine which contained a superbly written article by Abigail Thomas titled, Everyone Has a Story to Tell.

Ms. Thomas begins by telling the story of her husband's loss of memory when he suffered a traumatic brain injury and how he described the loss. And poses the question, "Who are we without our stories?"

She encourages us to write a memoir -- "a way to figure out who you used to be and how you got to be who you are." And offers dozens of questions to get started.

In Ms. Thomas' classes on memoir writing, she offers this interesting exercise:

Take any ten years of your life and reduce them to two pages. Every sentence has to be three words long -- not two, not four, but three words long.

"You discover there's nowhere to hide in three word sentences. ("Walk by river. Stare at emptiness. Demons still around.")"

Read the article and see what it provokes for you. I loved her many provocative questions -- "write two pages about the moment you knew something was over -- write two pages about something you regret revealing."

Abigail Thomas is the author of three books, Thinking About Memoir, A Three Dog Life, and Safekeeping. (I was pleased to learn that the author's father is Lewis Thomas, whose books I remember fondly from my 30' s -- Lives of a Cell, and The Medusa and the Snail, among others).

I'm going to give her "three word sentences" exercise a whirl. How about you? Which ten years will you start with? Which will I? Should be fun (if not mildly disturbing, depending on which decade is chosen) and may add more information for my ethical will. Let me know your experience with the exercise.

Do You Have A Life Motto?

2008-06-22T10:13:00.000-07:00

Grandma says she has a new "life motto" (in Pickles). Made me wonder what mine would be at this stage of my life? In previous decades? Will give it some thought and see if mine resembles that dear Grandma.

Have you ever written a life motto? If not, what would it be? Include it in your ethical will for your family to remember.

The "Zen Commandments": Wisdom for Living

2008-06-15T20:23:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading a new book by one of my favorite Buddhist writers, Lama Surya Das. Titled, The Big Questions, the author writes on the "sacred art of questioning" and offers his views on 14 questions that address life's essential mysteries.

I especially enjoyed what Surya Das says he jokingly calls his "Zen Commandments":

~ Take care, stay aware. Watch your step. Pay attention---it pays off.

~ Awaken your mind, open your heart and energize yourself. Learn to see clearly and love generously.

~ Find a way to live your own spiritual practice. Develop an ongoing spiritual life, not just a few spiritual experiences.

~ Don't see others' light. Exploit your own innate natural resources for a change. Mine the mind.

~ Freedom is a process, not just an idea or ideal outcome. Progress is more important than perfection.

~ Learn to accept, to let go, and let be. Allow.

~ Lighten up while enlightening up. Cultivate joy. Don't take yourself too seriously, or it won't be much fun.

~ Don't cling to anything. Recognize everything is impermanent and like a dream, a movie, a sitcom. Remember the daily mantra: This Too Shall Pass.

~ Not too tight, and not too loose. Stay attuned to the big picture.

~ Be mindful. Pay attention. Keep your eyes peeled. Be vigilant and intelligent about your experiments with reality.

~ Be here while getting there, every single step of the way.

~ Don't rely on mere words and concepts. Just say maybe.

~ Don't be deceived by ideas and opinions, either others' or your own. You just can't believe whatever you think.

Life is precious; handle with prayer.
Be good and do good.
It's now or never, as always.
Meditate as fast as you can.

Amazing life lessons! The guy packs a lot of wisdom for living in just a few words.

What "zen" (or "non-zen") commandments" would you write for your ethical-spiritual will? That's a question I need to answer for myself ... and I encourage you to give it a whirl. Write them down as fast as you can!

Volunteering: Where Does It "Fit" In Your Life Legacy?

2008-06-12T10:59:00.000-07:00

Heard a great story on NPR this morning about older volunteers, including people with Alzheimer's and other dementias, helping kids in an intergenerational school with reading. Heart-warming and worth a listen:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=91402614

The story notes that "Research has already shown that volunteering conveys benefits for older people who do not have dementia. One study of older individuals who did regular volunteer work in schools through a program called Experience Corps suggested that the volunteers increased their physical strength and were less likely to use a cane or fall down. The study also found that volunteering increased social activity, which may ward off depression and isolation. Volunteers also reported increases in cognitive activity, saying they read more books and watched less television."

I recently did a talk at OASIS on "Positive Aging" and will begin a class in the Fall which I call "Don't Forget": Training Your Brain to Remember. In both, I stress the importance of social engagement (volunteering, social activities) to brain health as we age.

How has social engagement been a part of your personal life legacy? Have volunteer activities been a major focus throughout your life (or grown more important the older you get)?

"Last Lecture" Book Continues Professor's Conversation About Loving Life

2008-06-05T21:03:00.001-07:00

Professor Randy Pausch's now-famous "last lecture" continues in his new book, co-written with Jeffrey Zaslow. He wrote The Last Lecture on the phone with Zaslow while on fifty-three long bike rides to keep up his strength.

In the book’s introduction, Pausch writes “I knew what I was doing that day. Under the ruse of doing an academic lecture, I was trying to put myself in a bottle that would one day wash up on the beach for my children.”

He goes on to say that the book was his way of continuing his lecture “about the joy of life, about how I appreciated life, even with so little time left. I talked about honesty, integrity, gratitude, and other things I hold dear. And I tried very hard not to be boring.”

Pausch’s book offers sixty-one short essays which he divides into five sections: The Last Lecture, Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams, Adventures ... And Lessons Learned, Enabling the Dreams of Others, It’s About How to Live Your Life, and Final Remarks.

He writes about living, not about dying. The book is about love of family, mentoring young people, overcoming obstacles, seizing every moment, and the importance of having life dreams.

The wisdom of Randy Pausch is exemplified best in his words: “As I see it, a parent’s job is to encourage kids to develop joy for life and a great urge to follow their own dreams. The best we can do is to help them develop a personal set of tools for the task.”

“So my dreams for my kids are very exact: I want them to find their path to fulfillment. And given that I won’t be there, I want to make this clear: Kids, don’t try to figure out what I wanted you to become. I want you to become what you want to become.”

I hope The Last Lecture will inspire young people (and older adults) to begin considering their personal life legacies at an earlier age. It may bring about important changes in how they choose to live their lives. And have a positive impact on future generations of people who inhabit this beautiful world.

"Just a mom, writing about life"

2008-06-03T20:13:00.000-07:00

I walked to our library tonight to listen to my favorite local "mom" writer, Dorcas Smucker. Dorcas writes a monthly "Letter from Harrisburg" for the Register Guard and has two delightful books, Ordinary Days and her new Upstairs the Peasants Are Revolting. She also has a blog filled with stories of her daily life on the farm.

In a room filled mostly with "older" women (and a few husbands), Dorcas read "An 'Irrelevant' Generation" from Ordinary Days, a blog post "Aprons, Aesthetics, and Hip New Things", and "Fearing Fatal Errors" from her new book. Her voice as she read reminded me of Minnesota women from my childhood (Dorcas was born in Iowa and moved to Ohio when she as 5, then moved to Minnesota at age 10 where she lived until coming to Oregon at age 19 to teach in a Mennonite school). Today at mid-life, she has three sons and three daughters ranging in age from 9 to 22 years old.

In writing about her everyday experiences, Dorcas brings to life the sweetness (and hilarity) of living in a family, getting older, family traditions, and the challenges of change. She also informs readers about living as a Mennonite woman in today's culture (yes, she has a cell phone but has never had a television), about life as a farmer's (and minister's) wife, and about mothering of children (in our electronic world).

Asked if she considered herself a humorist, Dorcas said "I'm always surprised when people laugh" when she reads her stories. "I'm just a mom, writing about life."

When I read a "Letter from Harrisburg" in the newspaper on Sunday mornings, I find myself in tears as often as I break into laughter about something Dorcas shares about her life. Her stories touch my heart and remind me to celebrate life and cherish my loved ones each day. And she reminds me that "often the things we don't know we need come into our lives without knocking."

Thank you, Dorcas, for being "just a mom, writing about life" -- sharing your words of wisdom with readers throughout the world.

Living in the Light of Death

2008-05-07T17:03:00.000-07:00

I was reading one of my old journals a few days ago and came across some writing I did at the Oregon Coast in October 2003 about Larry Rosenberg's book, Living in the Light of Death. Most of what I wrote were quotes that offered wisdom for living life to the fullest:

"Death is not waiting for us at the end of the road. It is walking with us the whole time."

"No one is guaranteed even one more breath."

"Life just keeps being how it is, no matter what we hope or expect. There is a gap between the way things are and the way we want them to be, and that gap is filled with suffering."

"Communing with fear stimulates an understanding that has liberating power." "And, when you learn to practice with ordinary events, you are capable of staying with the extraordinary ones. Like the moment of death."

"We know in our head that we will die. But we have to know it in our hearts. We have to let this fact penetrate our bones. Then we will know how to live."

While I rarely read my old journals, I'm glad I came across these quotes and others that reminded me of the importance of contemplating death as I live in the light of my life.

Do you avoid the subject of death or have you embraced the wisdom of knowing that "it is walking with us the whole time"?

Life Legacy News: "Wills that convey principles of life"

2008-04-28T18:33:00.000-07:00

The Seattle Times ran an article last month titled, "Wills that convey principles of life", that describes ways people are using ethical wills. Looks like at least a couple of people are offering ethical will workshops in the Seattle area as well.

I have an introductory talk, Your Life Legacy: Blessing Future Generations, scheduled on June 3rd at OASIS for people in the Eugene-Springfield area. A four-week Legacy Circle begins June 5th for people interested in getting started on an ethical will.

Life Lessons for Men: Finding Our Fathers

2008-04-27T19:11:00.000-07:00

In the 1990's, I worked as a counselor focusing on men's issues and men's relationships with women, children, and one another. At the time, a "men's movement" was alive and growing in America and around the world. Men were meeting in support groups and weekend gatherings to explore what it means to be a man and to redefine their masculine identity.

While the media and others made fun of "men drumming in the woods," the reality for men I worked with individually and in groups was a heartfelt experience of emotional healing and personal growth. The single most troubling relationship of these men, who ranged in age from their late 20's to early 70's, was with their father. Fathers who didn't have a clue about being a father and emotionally vulnerable with their loved ones.

Samuel Osherson's book, Finding Our Fathers, was a groundbreaking book on the subject and continues to be as relevant for men today as when it was first published. While many fathers now have closer ties to their children and greater emotional awareness, the demands of their work lives are often even greater than in previous generations of fathers. In our busy, cell phone-internet world, dads are distracted from day-to-day human contact with their children (who are busier than ever before themselves!). Being fully present with one another is a difficult challenge.

In his book, Osherson explores how men's early experiences (and ongoing relationship) with their fathers affects their male identity and subsequent relationships with their wives, children, friends, and bosses. In his extensive research and in-depth interviews, the author shows that "if a man is to be a good father to his son, or a good husband to his wife, he needs to know what he got, or wanted and didn't get, from his own father; how he was both strengthened and wounded by that relationship; how it has influenced his own fathering style and his own identity as a man."

In my childhood, my dad was absent much of the time, working as a traveling salesman in Minnesota and the Dakotas. When he came home on weekends, he was stoic and often angry and abusive. Mostly, I feared him and felt angry that he left me, his eldest son, to be the "man of the house" while he was gone. And be his surrogate husband for my mother and surrogate father for my brothers and sister when I was a child.

Both of my grandfathers presented a model of manhood that was the typical Minnesota male stoic (spiced with occasional bursts of anger). I felt some warmth from my dad's father (who always played a skinny Santa Claus at Christmas). But I had little emotional connection with my mother's farmer dad except when he offered us kids a very small glass of chilled Grain Belt beer (from long-neck bottles) on hot summer afternoons sitting around the dining table with the men.

Among my few positive male role models were teachers who encouraged my intellectual growth and rewarded me with good grades. Yet my worst model of manhood was a coach/phys-ed teacher -- a man who once hit me over the head (from behind) with a heavy book, knocking me to the floor for reasons still unknown. That quickly ended my participation in sports he coached (good judgment on my part!) and increased my fear of men.

Thankfully, I had good "buddies" as friends in my childhood. We did all the things boys did in western Minnesota in the 50's and 60's -- playing "peewee" baseball, exploring "snake hill" trails, bike riding all over town, bullhead and crappie fishing, and as teens, pheasant and duck hunting. Then came "girls" (dances, dates, and first kisses), cars!, drive-in movies, smoking, beer-drinking "out in the country," and much more (while being good students in school, of course).

We all went off to college and gradually drifted away from regular contact with one another as we graduated, got our first "real" jobs, moved away from Minnesota, got married, and became fathers. Fathering ... what an experience when you don't have a clue about what to do (and the books about it didn't "compute" with any inner experience from childhood!). I muddled through with lots of help from my wife, the mother of our two sons -- who were born when I was 25 and 29 years old.

As a father, I "showed up" for my sons but ultimately failed at being present and emotionally available to them. I wasn't emotionally intimate with myself in my late 20's and 30's so had a hard time being a father and husband. Like my dad, I did "work" very well, along with my intellectual pursuits, but relationships suffered mightily. I was still so angry with my dad that I didn't allow my sons any contact with him. It took depression and divorce to bring my feelings to life (but, too late for fathering my sons the way I wish I could have). Hard as it was, and with lots of counseling, I "woke up" and did the emotional work to heal (and forgive) my father before he died in 1997. And I had conversations with each of my sons to express my regrets about what kind of father I was to them when they were children.

I agree with Sam Osherson that "If things are imperfect with our children or our childhood (as they are bound to be) there are second, third, and fourth changes as we age and grow. It's never over between parents and children, no matter how old we are. Merely the effort to understand each other can be healing between the generations."

I suspect that as my sons reach mid-life, they may find even more "unfinished business" with me come to the surface as they deal with their own fathering (or not fathering). Not to mention their relationships with their wives or woman-friends, their male friendships (or lack of), men they deal with in their work lives, and their own masculine identity. I've let them know I'm always available to listen, to hear whatever they have to say to me, and to go to counseling together if they so desire.

My hope is that all the wounds from generations of fathers in my family will be healed before my death and not be passed on to my grandchildren and their children.

With hindsight, I can now see how my relationship with my father and my struggles with fathering led me into the men's movement, to building long-term relationships with male friends, and to working with other men as a counselor and men's group "mid-wife" for many years. And to being emotionally available in an intimate relationship with a dearly loved woman.

As I reflect on my personal experience and work with hundreds of men, the most important outcome of completing "unfinished business" with our fathers is an opening of our hearts -- allowing us to be emotionally vulnerable in relationships with women, children, and our fellow men.

Over the years, the best measure I found of a man's trustworthy masculinity is his valuing of relationships with other men, demonstrated by his willingness to devote time and energy to male friendships throughout his life. Trusted friendships with men who he feels safe and secure enough with to speak his feelings -- his sadness, his fears, his anger, and his joys. And to listen with caring and compassion to the emotions of other men (without advice-giving).

When a man can be a trusted friend, he is able to be a fully-engaged father, an intimate relationship partner, and ultimately, his own man.

Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life

2008-04-15T11:26:00.001-07:00

I've had the pleasure and privilege to hear James Hollis' lectures at the U. of Oregon during his visits to Eugene over the past several years. Hollis, a Jungian analyst and executive director of the C.G. Jung Educational Center of Houston, is an engaging speaker who always offers insights that are thought-provoking (and often, disturbing to one's habitual patterns of behavior!).

In my reading of his book, "Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up," I found his views affirmed my experience during my years as a counselor (and my own life experience). His clarity is startling:

"The chief disorders of our time are the fear of loneliness and the fear of growing up. The flight from loneliness drives people to mill amid malls, to stay in bad relationships, to abuse substances and worst of all, to avoid a relationship with the self. How can we ever have a good relationship with another when we cannot have a good relationship with ourselves? The flight from ourselves will always mean that we will be uncomfortable with another. What we fear in ourselves we will fear in the other; what we avoid addressing in ourselves we will avoid in the other; where we are stuck with ourselves we will be stuck with the other."

Hollis goes on to say that "Growing up means taking psychological responsibility for ourselves, and not just economic and social responsibility -- that is the easy part. Growing up means taking spiritual responsibility for ourselves. No other can define our values, become our authority, or protect us from necessary choices. Until we accept this responsibility for ourselves, we are asking others to be a shelter for our homeless soul. As understandable, and universal, as that desire may be, remember that others will then be asking the same of us as well. How ingrown, and stagnant, such a relationship will prove to be. The immense soul that dwells within each of us will in time, chafe and fret, and produce symptomatic messages of dismay. And in time, whether or not we stay outwardly bound together with a partner, we will psychologically leave the relationship by the diversion of Eros's energy to work, to another, to other projective possibilities, or invert it as depression or somatic illness."

Brilliantly said. I can certainly attest (or is the better word, "confess") to what happens when the soul begins to "chafe and fret". My experience in my late 30's was to "invert it" to become depressed. And later in life, to somatic illness. In myself and people I've counseled, I've seen excessive busyness, workaholism, work avoidance, romantic dalliances, multiple addictions, and projections of every imaginable variety ("it's all your fault!").

If any of James Hollis' words ring true for you (or sufficiently disturb or annoy you!), I suggest you read his book. Sooner or later, your soul will summon you to "live a larger life."

NOTE: James Hollis is scheduled to return to Eugene-Springfield on October 3-4, 2008. His most recent book is titled, "Why Good People Do Bad Things: Understanding Our Darker Selves."

More Life Lessons from Randy Pausch

2008-04-15T10:30:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I wrote about Professor Randy Pausch and his "Last Lecture." I was pleased to see him on the cover of Parade magazine on April 6th with his story "The Lessons I'm Leaving Behind" and to learn that he had book on "The Last Lecture" on its way to bookstores.

Then a couple days later, Diane Sawyer interviewed Randy and his wife, Jai, on ABC. She called the story, "The Last Lecture: A Love Story for Your Life." I highly recommend it for viewing and passing along to your loved ones.

The essential question Randy's lecture asks everyone to answer (as he did) is:

"What wisdom would you impart to the world if you knew it was your last chance?"

His question is one of the many that we pose to people who are writing an ethical will. While it may be a tough question to answer at any age (since we humans seem pretty resistant to the idea that death will someday visit us and we don't want to face the prospect of our "last chance"), I think it's important for every person and for future generations of humanity that each of us take time to share the wisdom of our unique journey through life.

As Randy Pausch said, "Make Time for What Matters." "Time is all you have. And you may find one day that you have less than you think."

Positive Changes in Older Minds: The Aging Brain

2008-04-03T12:41:00.000-07:00

With all the concern today about Alzheimer's and other diseases causing memory loss, it's easy to forget the positive changes that take place in our human brain as we age. Truth is, contrary to long accepted beliefs that our brain power inevitably declines, our minds continue to grow and flourish with age.

In his book, The Mature Mind, Gene Cohen documents findings of aging research that shows "not only does the brain retain its capacity to form new memories, which entails making new connections between brain cells, but it can grow entirely new brain cells -- a stunning finding filled with potential."

Dr. Cohen goes on to say that "We've also learned that older brains can process information in a dramatically different way that younger brains. Older people can use both sides of their brains for tasks that younger people use only one side to accomplish."

"A great deal of scientific work has also confirmed the 'use it or lose it' adage: the mind grows stronger from use and from being challenged in the same way that muscles grow stronger with exercise," says Cohen, who is director of the Center on Aging, Health, and Humanities at George Washington University.

The Mature Mind presents authoritative research and real-life examples to show the positive power of older minds. In a highly readable style, Dr. Cohen describes scientific studies on what happens to the brain as it ages and offers inspiring life stories of ordinary people who demonstrate our creative potential as we live into elderhood.

The author contends that previous definitions of the final stage of life have been too limited. He extends the common "old age" stage to include four distinct developmental phases which often overlap one another:

1. Midlife reevaluation: Not the same as a "midlife crisis", it is a time of exploration and transition -- a quest for the true and meaningful in one's life (ages 40 through 65).

2. Liberation: A time to experiment, innovate, and let go of inhibitions from earlier in life (late 50's to late 60's).

3. Summing up: A time for life review, recapitulation, resolution, and giving back to society (late 60's through the 70's to early 80's).

4. Encore: A final phase of returning to themes from one's life, often expressed in wonderful and surprising ways (80's until the end of life).

Cohen says we have inner drives or desires which he calls the "Inner Push" that motivate us to move through the life phases -- drives that work in concert with changes in the aging brain.

The "inner push" and four phases ring true from my own life experience and from people I've known over the years. At my age of 63, I'm early to the the "summing up" stage. Most all of my work with people on ethical-spiritual wills has been with individuals at that stage and a few who've reached the "encore" phase of their lives.

In his book, Dr. Cohen introduces the concept of "developmental intelligence" which he sees as the "greatest benefit of the aging brain/mind." He defines it as "the degree to which a person has manifested his or her unique neurological, emotional, intellectual, and psychological capabilities." Cohen shows how to cultivate developmental intelligence to take advantage of its rewards as we age.

The most practical and usable information in The Mature Mind covers activities for "brain fitness" -- all of which work to boost clarity, power, and subtlety of the brain/mind significantly:

1. Exercise physically: Numerous studies have shown that regular, aerobic exercise sharply lowers the risk of Alzheimer's and other dementias and increases the number of connections between brain cells.

2. Exercise mentally: Engaging in mentally challenging activities stimulates the mind and new experiences boost brain development -- generating new synapses and other neural structures.

3. Pick challenging leisure activities: Reduction in risk of dementia is related to the frequency of engaging in activities such as dancing, doing crossword puzzles, playing board games or musical instruments, and reading.

4. Achieve mastery: Having a sense of control and mastery is vital for mental and physical health of older people. The feelings of empowerment and sense of accomplishment from mastering activities boosts the immune system and stimulates brain health.

5. Establish strong social networks: Maintaining social relationships reduces stress and lowers blood pressure, reducing the risks of stroke and brain damage. Social activity combats loneliness which causes many adverse health effects while strong social networks have a profound positive impact on health of the brain, mind, and body.

In his book, Dr. Cohen also deals with the subjects of cognition, memory, and wisdom as well as cultivating social intelligence and "reinventing" retirement. He discusses creativity and aging in the last chapter, expanding upon his previous book, The Creative Age: Awakening Human Potential in the Second Half of Life. Especially interesting to me were his findings that creativity among older people follow three basic patterns which Cohen describes as commencing creativity, continuing or changing creativity, and creativity connected with loss.

The Mature Mind is a mind-changing book which will awaken you to the positive power of the aging brain and increase your sense of control over its health and well-being. Read it to learn how to realize the amazing potential for your life as you grow older.

Memoir Books and Memory Quilts by Linda Smith

2008-03-18T10:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I met with Linda Smith (whose business is also named "Lasting Legacies") to discuss how we can work together to mutually support people creating personal legacies to pass on to future generations. And we talked about ways to avoid confusion in the marketplace about the work we do.

Linda has focused her work on helping people create memoir books and memory quilts. As regular readers of this blog know, my focus has been on ethical and spiritual wills over the past two years. Linda will also help people with ethical wills and provides an excellent article about them on her website.

I'm pleased to have another person locally who is in the business of helping people create their life legacies. I look forward to collaborating with Linda Smith and will refer people to her who want to tell their life story in a personal memoir or create a memory quilt. I love what she says on her business card, "You tell your story. I'll do the work."

You can reach Linda at (541) 505-7376 or email her from her website.

More Wisdom from Rogue River Journal

2008-03-14T15:15:00.000-07:00

Another passage in John Daniel's Rogue River Journal that I connected with (and wanted to post here to share as well as "stay awake" to myself as a journey through the rest of my life):

"Arguing the existence of God has always seemed oddly benighted to me, beside the point, like speculating about the weather while standing in a warm summer rain. The point is here and now. I look out on these trees, this landscape ridged and furrowed by time, and I see not intent but accomplishment, not disarray but order, not insensate matter but spirited meaning. I see such a fullness of being that my heart aches with it. This is the gift, the given world. To accept it, to bear the privilege of being, is to belong to a majesty we can't comprehend. In the end, we can only be grateful."

These seven sentences from John Daniel's "winter alone," his five months of living in a remote cabin on the Rogue River, are a blessing to remember each day of our lives. Thank you, John, for sharing your wisdom from your experience of solitude.

Feelings of Melancholy (Rogue River Journal)

2008-03-14T14:38:00.000-07:00

My bedtime reading over the past month has been John Daniel's Rogue River Journal. "An extraordinary book" says Mary Oliver on the cover. I wholeheartedly agree.

One of the passages in the book has helped me understand a feeling I've had more and more often in recent times -- a feeling that I didn't have a "word" to clearly describe the experience. Here's what John Daniel wrote:

"I wouldn't be surprised if all night writers were melancholics, but not all melancholics are night writers. Thoreau, that quintessential morning person, wrote of melancholy as an indispensable condition: 'There is a certain fertile sadness which I would not avoid, but rather earnestly seek. It is positively joyful to me. It saves my life from being trivial. My life flows with a deeper current, no longer as a shallow and brawling stream ...' I don't have to seek my own sadness, earnestly or otherwise -- it finds me regularly enough, and I bet the same was true of Henry David It goes, it comes, and it is indeed fertile. Depression is barren, denying as it does all feelings other than hopelessness. Joy is unitary, a single intense pitch with small modulations, and unsustainable in any case. Melancholy is a mix of feelings, a melange shaded strongly with sadness but containing happiness too, even glints of joy. It accepts and reflects the wholeness of living even as it laments one's errors and limitations."

Thank you, John, for the gifts your writing has given me and so many others in the world.

Expressions of Love in Your Ethical Will

2008-03-14T14:11:00.000-07:00

I came across a love letter (with a postmark of March 8, 1987) that I wrote 21 years ago to my sweetheart. It concluded with a poem I've decided to include in my ethical will, along with some of my other favorites. The poem by James Haba was titled "The Greeting":

You have been traveling.
I can see it in your eyes -
the unknown roads demanding new belief.
The light of your will in submission
to the pattern bringing us together.

I have been busy waiting,
putting fresh flowers on the table,
filling the lamps with kerosene,
arranging (as well as I could)
everything, so that you might feel
that you had arrived
at the right place
at the right time.

Hello
I am so glad that you could come.
And in honor of our being here together
Let us make a scratch on the wall
of the cave.
We could talk.
We could begin with idle chatter.
I'll start.
I'll say, "I love you."

I was touched by "The Greeting" when I first read it and it touches me at an even deeper level today. I wonder how many times we have said "I love you" to each other since I wrote that letter so long ago. But the "number" of times we've said it doesn't really matter. Just that we continue to say "I love you" each day ... and until our last breaths.

The Legacy Guide: Recommended Book

2008-03-07T09:42:00.000-08:00

In their book, The Legacy Guide: Capturing the Facts, Memories, and Meaning of Your Life, co-authors Carol Franco and Kent Lineback offer an excellent process for organizing your life story and gathering information to use in your ethical will.

The essence of their process involves looking at your life's natural stages with an approach they call "facts to memories to meaning". The seven life stages used to look at your past are childhood, adolescence, young adult, adult, middle adult, late adult, and elder. Within each stage, the book offers questions to help you identify the facts of that time of your life; your memories of important places, people, interests, and events; the meanings you ascribe to that time period (defining moments, values -what mattered, loves, learnings and wisdom); and lastly, a "summing up" about that time of your life. The meanings questions, in particular, are superb for gathering information to use for creating your ethical will.

Along with the book, The Legacy Guide website provides helpful tools for using the approach offered by the co-authors. I especially liked the forms they provide for information gathering at each stage. You can download MS Word documents for one or more of the seven life stages and begin writing today! Even though the book contains many, many more questions and suggestions about what to write about, the downloads offer an great way to get started. You may also want to look at my Life Legacy Wiki (and contribute to it) for ideas for your writing process.

Of all the books I've read about creating life legacies, this one can only be described as extraordinary in both its innovative approach and its depth for capturing the facts, memories, and meanings of your life. I highly recommend it (and their website) for writing about your unique life journey (or that of a loved one) to leave for future generations of your family.

Pema Chodron's Commentary on The Four Reminders

2008-01-30T10:31:00.000-08:00

The latest mailing I received from Shambhala Sun included an insert with a Commentary by Pema Chodron that offers wisdom for "present moment" living:

"The traditional four reminders are basic reminders of why one might make a continual effort to return to the present moment. In your daily life, try to:

1. Maintain an awareness of the preciousness of human life. Beginning to realize how precious life is becomes one of your most powerful tools. It's like gratitude ... once you have this feeling of gratitude for your own life and the preciousness of human birth, then it takes you into any realm.

2. Be aware of the reality that life ends; death comes for everyone. Life is very brief. If you realize that you don't have that many more years to live and if you live your life as if you actually had only a day left, then the sense of impermanence heightens that feeling of preciousness and gratitude.

3. Recall that whatever you do, whether virtuous or not, has a result; what comes around, goes around. The law of karma is that we sow the seeds and we reap the fruit. So when you find yourself in a dark place ... you can think, "Maybe it's time to get a little golden spade and dig myself out of this place."

4. Contemplate that as long as you are too focused on self-importance and too caught up in thinking about how you are good or bad, you will suffer. Obsessing about getting what you want and avoiding what you don't want does not result in happiness."

From The Compassion Box and Awakening Loving-Kindness by Pema Chodron.

Executive Coach's Advice for Your Career Legacy

2008-01-29T14:36:00.002-08:00

In the February 2008 issue of Money magazine, executive coach Marshall Goldsmith offers some legacy-creating advice for one's worklife:

Q. If you had to choose one piece of advice that would help people achieve more happiness on the job, what would it be?

A. Imagine that you're 95 years old, on your deathbed. But before you take that last breath, you get a wonderful gift: the ability to go back in time and talk to the younger you who's reading this story right now and help that younger you have a better career and, more important, a better life. What would that wise 95-year-old tell you to do? Now listen closely because this is the best bit of career coaching you're ever going to get: Whatever you think that 95-year-old would urge you to do, do it. Starting now. When the time comes, you want that 95-year-old to be proud of you. If he says you were a success, you were. Trust me, of all the performance appraisals you'll ever have, that's the only one that really matters.

You can watch the Marshall Goldsmith interview at cnnmoney.com/video.

Leadership Legacies: Built to Serve

2008-01-10T10:35:00.000-08:00

Inspiring The Spirit of People at Work

Over the past 40 years, I've had the good fortune to work with hundreds of organizations ranging from multi-billion dollar global corporations and mid-sized companies to new start-ups, non-profits, and governments. I've experienced organizational life as an employee, client, supplier, and service provider in companies with as few as one employee and as many as hundreds of thousands of people.

While most all of the organizations I've been involved with have espoused that people are their most important asset, a rare few have actually put "people-first" into practice. Those with stated missions and values focused on people and service more often have practiced "numbers-first" in their day-to-day operations.

Such is the personal backdrop for my reading of Dan J. Sanders new book "Built-to-Serve: How to Drive the Bottom Line with People-First Practices." The author is the CEO of United Supermarkets, a privately-held company with stores in 26 cities.

Sanders is an engaging storyteller who begins each chapter of his book with a short story that demonstrates the lessons of his content. The stories come from his work experience which included being a U-2 reconnaissance pilot while serving in the Air Force as well as from meaningful events in the author’s life.

Calling for a paradigm shift in business, Sanders provides a hands-on guide for creating "sustainable, culture-driven, people-centered organizations." His view of leadership in organizations involves "more a choice than a position" and focuses primarily on service to others. From my perspective, Sanders offers guidance that complements the servant leadership model which Robert Greenleaf and others have written about.

An organization's culture consists of its values and the common vision held by its people as well as their behavior with one another and the customers they serve.

A people-centered organization engages people in a higher purpose and does not compromise its values. It remains faithful to the vision and mission of the organization 100% of the time. Leaders place the "highest level of importance on human beings." At United Supermarkets, they have reframed the Golden Rule to say:

"Do unto others as you would have your children done unto.”

In Sanders view, this guiding principle “fulfills the human spirit and allows for connecting people on a deeper level."

To be sustainable, organizations must engage people in service and focus on their long-term purpose while balancing the short-term needs of their people. Sanders maintains that "organizations that make people and service the cornerstone of their corporate identity enjoy sustainability."

The heart of the book centers on ways leaders can empower people to make decisions based on the organization's vision, mission, and commitment to sustainability. Sanders says a "clearly communicated and understood vision statement empowers team members to make decisions that support the organization's higher purpose." In his view, the best vision statements incorporate the higher purpose of the organization—that which is most significant to sustain it over time.

A good mission statement is critical as well because it eliminates confusion and reminds everyone of the organization's expectations. It inspires people on their journey toward realizing the organization's vision. Sanders encourages everyone to commit the words of their mission statement to memory and bring them to life in daily decisions. At United Supermarkets, their mission statement consists of just six words: Ultimate Service. Superior Performance. Positive Impact.

I was surprised (and pleased) to read that Sanders believes "the single biggest threat to an organization's success is pride." In my experience, pride has been a destructive element in many of the corporations I've worked with over the years (and has gotten in the way personally in small businesses I’ve started).

The kind of pride the author speaks of is “a high or overbearing opinion of one's worth or importance." To minimize its destructive affects, he suggests a three-step process that keeps people focused on the future, not the past; on the pursuit of excellence; and on the right kind of role models. By fostering humility and asking the right questions, leaders can put destructive pride in its place and maximize positive pride -- "the feeling of elation and satisfaction derived from achievement."

Sanders concludes each chapter with a summary of key points aptly titled "From the Express Lane" (great for speed readers and PowerPoint enthusiasts!). In the final chapter, he provides a "Carryout for Leaders" – a 10-point list which includes such guidance as "Surrender your ego", "No job is unimportant", and "Do not compromise integrity."

In the Afterword, Ken Blanchard, co-author of Leading at a Higher Level and The One Minute Manager, encourages readers to learn from Dan Sanders leadership and take action in their organizations. He calls on leaders to focus on three simple questions to guide their organizations to long-term success:

1. What have we done for our customers?
2. What have we done for our people?
3. What have we done for our community?

By putting the lessons of Built to Serve into practice, business leaders can create a profound shift in the vitality and performance of their organizations. I highly recommend the book to people at all levels in any size organization -- for inspiration, for guidance in leading, and for instilling life-enhancing principles in workplaces throughout our community and the world.

NOTE: Dan Sanders, Steven Covey, and others have started The Center for Corporate Culture to help leaders put the principles of "Built to Serve" into practice.

Wisdom for 2008: Living in Service

2008-01-03T10:14:00.002-08:00

In my reading over the holidays, I came across these powerful words of wisdom from Greek classics scholar Gilbert Murray:

"Live in the service of something higher and more enduring, so that when the tragic transience of life at last breaks upon you, you can feel that the thing for which you have lived does not die."

Quoted in Living Your Unlived Life by Robert A. Johnson and Jerry M. Ruhl, Ph.D.

Helen Luke on "Wisdom"

2007-12-28T10:46:00.000-08:00

At the age of ninety, Helen Luke said:

"Wisdom consists in doing the next thing you have to do. Doing it with your whole heart and finding delight in doing it. And the delight is the sense of the sacred."

Although I haven't seen it yet, a 75-minute video called "A Sense of the Sacred: A Portrait of Helen M. Luke" is available from Parabola. Years ago, when I was working as a counselor, I read her book, "The Way of Woman: Awakening the Perennial Feminine." She gave me an understanding of a woman's journey to the "deep feminine" to claim her own power and communicate her message to the world.

I recall reading that Helen asked people who came to her seeking guidance about the deeper significance of their life:

"What kind of story is yours going to be?"

Great question! The kind of question to ask yourself when creating an ethical or spiritual will.

Thank you, Helen, for all the wisdom you shared while you were in this world (and continue to share in the video and in your books).

NOTE: If you prefer to read about Helen Luke instead of watching a video, you may want to read "Such Stuff as Dreams are Made On: The Autobiography and Journals of Helen M. Luke".

More "Pickles" Wisdom: On Fear (Or Not) of Dying

2007-12-12T09:33:00.000-08:00

The Pickles cartoon recently offered another great piece of end-of-life wisdom ....

Pickles

Another non-medical reason to complete an ethical will that "harvests" the wisdom of the life you have lived!

Life Lessons: Pathways to Contentment

2007-12-06T10:55:00.000-08:00

The older I get, the less concerned I am about "being happy." Now in my mid-60's, being content with my daily life is more important.

What does contentment feel like? What produces contentment in one's life?

Certainly being satisfied with the life I have is a place to start. To just be. To honor "what is" in my life. Not to be thinking I will be content "just as soon as" something (anything?) I desire is achieved, earned, or received.

In their book, "Contentment: A Way to True Happiness", Robert A. Johnson and Jerry M. Ruhl write:

"As modern people, we like to believe that contentment comes from getting what we want. It does not. Contentment grows out of our capacity to mediate our desires with "what is". A basic spiritual principle is learning to accept "what is" instead of insisting that life be a certain way. Life is rarely the way we want it to be, it's just the way it is. This doesn't mean that you should give up or become passive. The art of realizing contentment is an active and dynamic process. You might imagine it as a dance between your wishes and reality, what you want and what you get."

In my experience, contentment never results from my doing or having. Simplifying my life has helped. But there's more to contentment than just simplicity.

Johnson, a world-renowned Jungian analyst, and Ruhl, a psychotherapist, say that "contentment grows out of the circumstances of life as you find it, in the very place where you currently exist." Furthermore, "the more present and aware you are to what is, the greater the possibilities for contentment."

When I feel content, I have a sense of deep satisfaction, an inner calm, a timelessness. My mind is at peace. My ego is silenced. I feel an inner integrity with my life.

Johnson and Ruhl contend that we must first learn to differentiate between our inner and outer lives to realize contentment. That requires us to understand projection.

The co-author's define projection as "the error of attaching an aspect of your inner life onto someone or something on the outside. This way, you do not have to take responsibility for it. In projecting a disowned part of yourself, you endow other people and things with the power to make you blissful or miserable. Then you turn around and praise or blame the person or situation, while all the while you are reacting to an unconscious, inner part of yourself."

I know I'm projecting when my response to a person or situation is out of proportion to reality, highly energized with emotion (my voice changes), or compulsive in nature. People who know me best usually sense my projections of my inner world before I do (because I'm busy projecting my blame or praise onto them!).

But I've gotten better "with age" at recognizing my projections since Gay Hendricks, co-author of "Conscious Loving" and other books, suggested to me in a training to just "assume your life is all projections!" A radical approach? Maybe. I know it has helped me "reel in" my projections sooner and take responsibility for my actions as well as to notice more quickly when others are projecting their life "stuff" onto me.

So it takes a shift in one's level of consciousness to experience contentment at its fullest. Can I say "yes" to all of the content of my life -- the painful, the ordinary, the joyous? What about when discontent arrives (unannounced!) on the doorstep of my day or my bedstead at night? Yes, I need to honor discontent as well. Attempts to control "what is" in my life simply don't work. In Johnson and Ruhl's words: "When you start trying to repair or manipulate 'what is', then you only upset the natural order of the universe."

The co-authors of "Contentment" go on to say that "you cannot acquire contentment like some consumer item but you can awaken to its gifts. It is closer to the truth to say that contentment comes to us by divine grace."

Most often, that's how it feels as contentment comes to me in the form of divinely inspired gifts. All I have to do is be present and aware -- to notice, to accept, and honor the gifts that "what is" brings me each day of my life.

Life Lessons: "I'm Still Me" - Chuck Jackson's Story

2007-12-01T16:15:00.001-08:00

Some of you know Chuck Jackson who I wrote about on my blog awhile back. Yesterday morning on NPR I heard his voice on their StoryCorps segment, telling his story about Alzheimer's in his family and his own experience with the disease.

Here's a link to read and listen to his story: Living With Alzheimers: "I'm Still Me".

I applaud the work Chuck is doing to raise awareness about Alzheimer's and admire him for his courage to speak about his own memory loss experiences.

One Simple Question Can Change Your Life

2007-11-18T15:36:00.000-08:00

When my partner and I were doing counseling together with couples, Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks were our mentors. Their book, Conscious Loving, and a workshop we did with them made a lasting difference in our relationship and guided our work with couples.

Recently, Gay wrote a new book he calls Five Wishes. An article based on the book was published in New Connexion (Nov/Dec 2007). Gay tells a story about a life-changing conversation he had in his 30s that centered on one simple question. Here's a link to the article:

Five Wishes: A Gift That Changed My Life

I encourage you to read it. It may just be the gift that will change your life!

More on the Professor's "Last Lecture"

2007-10-27T14:12:00.000-07:00

For people who read my post about the "last lecture" of Professor Randy Pausch, a follow-up article about reactions to it was published in Jeff Zaslow's column in The Wall Street Journal:

Moving On

If you'd like to see the complete lecture, here's a link to a video:

Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams

Professor Pausch was also featured on a recent Oprah show dealing with "Confronting Death". I enjoyed his interview with Dr. Mahmet Oz and appreciated Oprah's willingness to do a show on death and dying.

All well-worth reading and viewing to remind us to live every day fully in the spirit of love and caring.

Leadership Legacies: "The Starbucks Experience"

2007-09-23T20:35:00.000-07:00

Along with personal life legacies, I enjoy learning about the leadership legacies of individuals in organizations as well as the legacies of organizations themselves. My interest in organizational legacies (and love of great coffee) lead me to the book, "The Starbucks Experience" by Joseph A. Michelli.

While I most often go to my locally-owned coffee shops (Barry's Deli is my favorite), whenever I'm traveling, I'm glad there's usually a Starbucks nearby to provide my morning cup of coffee. I've always had good experiences at the Starbucks I've visited and appreciated reading about their "secrets of success" in Michelli's book.

Starbucks "5 Principles for Turning Ordinary into Extraordinary" include:

1. Make It Your Own
2. Everything Matters
3. Surprise and Delight
4. Embrace Resistance
5. Leave Your Mark

These principles can be applied in most any organization or business in my view. "Make It Your Own" brings the talents and unique personality of every employee to life in the workplace. I'm sure that if all the businesses I've worked for over the years would have diligently practiced "Everything Matters", the business world would be very different today (and the Enron meltdown wouldn't have happened).

"Surprise and Delight" inspires creativity and real caring about individual customers and fellow employees. No doubt, the political arena (and occupants of the White House) would be transformed by practicing "Embrace Resistance." And "Leave Your Mark" is all about the legacy every organization and individual leaves for future generations of people living on planet Earth.

Leaders at Starbucks have also provided a structure for employees ("partners") which they call the "Five Ways of Being":

Be welcoming
Be genuine
Be considerate
Be knowledgeable
Be involved

This structure encourages people to be creative (no "scripted" approach to customer service) and to bring their own personality into providing service to customers. To reinforce the concept of "Five Ways of Being", Starbucks gives their partners a pamphlet called the Green Apron Book which offers ideas on how to personalize relationships with customers.

Michelli's book is an enjoyable read even if you have little interest in business management or organizational legacies. It is filled with heart-warming stories about ways Starbucks partners have surprised and delighted customers (and each other). I was especially touched by the story of a store partner who shared her $87 million lottery winnings equally with everyone on her team (they had contributed $1 each to the ticket she bought).

If you only read one business book this year (or ever), I highly recommend "The Starbucks Experience". Take it along to read at your favorite coffee shop. And you may want to give the "Five Ways of Being" a try at your workplace ... or wherever you are in your life.

A Professor's Ethical Will: His "Last Lecture"

2007-09-22T17:23:00.000-07:00

In last Thursday's Wall Street Journal (Sept. 20, 2007), Jeffrey Zaslow wrote an interesting (and touching) story he titled, "A Beloved Professor Delivers The Lecture of a Lifetime." It was about a 46-year old professor's "last lecture" to 400 colleagues and students (he has pancreatic cancer and is expected to live a few months).

Zaslow notes that a number of colleges have started "Last Lecture Series" in which top professors are "asked to think deeply about what matters to them and to give hypothetical final talks." He says the question for audiences to consider is:

"What wisdom would we impart to the world if we knew it was our last chance?"

Sounds like one of the essential questions we address in crafting an ethical will. I find it encouraging that such questions are being asked on college campuses and that professors are sharing their personal life legacies with their students. Perhaps, it will inspire young people (and older adults) to begin considering their life legacies at an earlier age. It may bring about important changes in their lives as well as have an impact on future generations of people who inhabit this beautiful world.

Professor Pausch used images on a large screen as he talked about his life which Zaslow described as a "rollicking and riveting journey through the lessons of his life". Here's a link to the story which contains a video essay by the Jeff Zaslow about Professor Randy Pausch's last lecture:

http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB119024238402033039.html

The article is well-worth the 5-minutes (or less) it will take you to read it.

Life Lessons: Who will care for you?

2007-09-16T16:13:00.000-07:00

Most people don't think about who will care for them if their health is compromised by illness, accident, or a degenerative disease. I certainly didn't -- not until my heart gave me a "wake-up call" nearly ten years ago. Since then, I've learned more about healthcare and how people are cared for in America than I ever really wanted to know.

Reading Gail Sheehy's story "Why We Must Help Caregivers" in Parade magazine this month reminded me of an op-ed I wrote nearly three years ago on the subject. From what Sheehy had to say about how little has changed since then to support family caregivers, I thought my "old" words bear repeating today.

"Every day in our community, family members are providing many hours of essential care to loved ones who are chronically ill, disabled, or elderly. All too often, they are doing this difficult, emotionally and physically draining work alone.

Even when these family caregivers – most of whom are women who also work outside the home – get some help from their children, friends, or neighbors, the care demands can be relentless. Day after day, their loved ones need dressing, toileting, feeding, medication assistance, doctor visits, and much more when Alzheimer’s and other dementias are involved.

Most people don’t know -- and our politicians in Washington D.C. rarely acknowledge -- that family caregivers provide nearly 87% of all homecare services in the U.S. That amounts to over $350 billion worth of “free” caregiving services each year – more than was spent on all of Medicare in 2002 – according to the National Alliance for Caregiving.

Today, over 44.5 million adults in America are doing caregiving for a family member, 27 million of whom provide at least 20 hours of care each week according to an AARP study.

Over 66% of the care needs of the elderly are provided solely by family members.

By the year 2030, the U.S. Census Bureau projects that 20% of our population will be over 65 years of age, resulting in a total elderly population of more than 70 million people – representing a 102% increase from the year 2003.

Considering that the fastest growing segment of our population is people over 85 years of age – one-half of whom require help with personal care – even more of the responsibilities for caregiving in the future will fall to family members.

What this means for all Americans is that caregiving concerns have moved from being a private family situation to a societal issue. There is a strong connection between the difficulties families are having with meeting caregiving needs of their loved ones and the fact that our healthcare system was never set up to help people live at home with chronic health conditions.

It has been said that there are four kinds of people in the world – those who have been caregivers, those who currently are caregivers, those who will be caregivers, and those who will need caregivers. None of us will be excluded.

So what does this mean for residents of Lane County? Most importantly, to realize that there is a large and growing need for community support of the many family caregivers in our midst. Family caregiving is an issue for all of us!

If you haven’t already done so, it is time to begin conversations with friends and colleagues about eldercare experiences in their families. You may be surprised at how many people have been touched by caring for family members and how deeply caring for loved ones affects their daily lives.

It is time to educate yourself about issues involved in caregiving for the elderly and the health risks it places on family caregivers. A great place to start is the website: www.familycaregiving101.org.

You can begin learning about the financial impact eldercare may have on your own family in the future and explore long-term care insurance options available. Medicare does not currently pay for in-home care (and is unlikely to do so in the future) so families shoulder the full financial burden of costs for caring for elders living at home.

You can start familiarizing yourself with local resources for eldercare and senior services. Take a look at Lane County’s many resources at: www.laneseniorservices.org as well as www.seriousillness.o rg/lane. Call the care providers and get information to help with your planning for family caregiving.

Not to be forgotten, it is time to reach out to family caregivers who live next door or across the street – either by yourself or with your family, friends, or members of your church.

Typically, family caregivers have difficulty asking for help. You can make it easier for them to both ask for and accept help by offering to do something very specific and non-threatening. Offer a ride to church, to bring a dinner once a week, rake the lawn, shop for groceries, or provide some respite time for the caregiver to take a break for themselves. Make a commitment the family caregiver can count on. Set a time and show up to share the care.

Just a little bit of help can make a big difference to someone in your neighborhood. Don’t wait for the holiday season. Give a caregiving family a gift of recognition and thanks for the heroic work they’re doing each day for their loved ones."

LOCAL NOTE: Partners to Improve End-of-Life Care will soon publish a brochure "If Someone You Love Is Seriously Ill ..." with information and resources for family caregivers. It will be distributed to medical offices and other healthcare locations throughout Lane County. Ask for a copy at your doctor's office or request the brochure via e-mail at: www.seriousillness.org/lane.

Face-to-Face: A Man Speaks About His Alzheimers

2007-08-14T08:24:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I wrote about Alzheimers patient activism in response to an article I had read in USA Today. Last week, I met one of the the men quoted in the article, Chuck Jackson. He spoke at our local Senior Professional Information Network about his experience with Early Onset Alzheimers.

Chuck was diagnosed with the disease three years ago at the age of 50. He has what he called the "familial" form of Alzheimers in which his family members have a gene associated with early onset of the disease. Chuck's mother told him about the "family disease" in 1967 (10 of 12 relatives have died from it by age 50!).

In his talk, Chuck shared his story about getting the diagnosis, his physical symptoms, his struggles in finding a support group, and his new role as a spokesman at the Alzheimers Association "Town Hall" meetings around the country. He is on the association's Advisory Board on Early Onset Alzheimers.

Chuck described the anger he experiences every time he loses some function of daily living. But he noted that he has learned to go through the grief cycle as quickly as he can to avoid becoming bitter about his losses. Too many people with little or no support get stuck in anger and bitterness when they get their diagnosis.

Chuck made a decision to tell his story to everyone who will listen in order to increase awareness and gain more research dollars to find a cure. As he said with great clarity: "I'm not going quietly to my grave like my mother did!" He wants people to know that Azheimers is not a disease of old age (an estimated 500,000 people have early onset with a projection to triple that number in years ahead).

In concluding his talk, Chuck took off his shirt to reveal a purple t-shirt with one word in bold letters across his chest. The word was: VOICE. On the back were the words "Alzheimers Association www.alz.org."

Chuck Jackson is strong, positive voice for educating people about Alzheimers. He encourages us to tell others about it, talk with our political representatives, and to contribute money for research. His concluding words stay with me today as I write: "Don't let them forget us!"

(When I spoke with Chuck after his talk, he gave me a flyer about DASNI (Dementia Advocacy & Support Network International), a non-profit group he's found very helpful. He participates in their twice-daily internet chats in a chat room that helps ease the isolation of dementia and educates participants about living with their disease.) Chuck encouraged me to "spread the word" on my blog about DASNI. Please share this information with people you know. Thanks!

NOTE:
A few days before hearing Chuck Jackson speak, I had planned to write about an excellent article about Alzheimers in our local newspaper. Titled "Many faces of Alzheimer's", Karen McCowan wrote about Lauren Kessler's experience working in an Alzheimers facility -- the story Kessler shares in her recent book, "Dancing with Rose". While I haven't read the book yet, the newspaper article offers an extraordinary look at Alzheimers care and the impact of the disease on individuals and their family members.

Life Lessons: Your Life's Purpose

2007-08-13T21:44:00.000-07:00

For far too many years of my life, I struggled with the question "what is my purpose?", especially in regard to my worklife. I suppose my idealistic Aquarian nature led me to thinking it was important to make a difference with one's life (or maybe it was my Norwegian Lutheran upbringing, tempered by my Gramma Hannah's scolding about "not getting too big for my britches"!)

Whatever it was, I've gotten clearer about "purpose" since passing mid-life and dealing with the prospect of death getting closer (than birth). I like what Wayne Dyer has to say about purpose in his book, The Power of Intention. He says "your purpose is not as much about what you do as it is about how you feel." My own experience affirms Dyer's view:

"You'll feel most on purpose when you're giving your life away by serving others. When you're giving to others, to your planet, and to your Source, you're being purposeful. Whatever it is you choose to do, if you're motivated to be of service to others while being authentically detached from the outcome, you'll feel on purpose, regardless of how much abundance flows back to you."

Dyer goes on to suggest that you "allow yourself to be in the feeling place within you that's unconcerned with such things as vocational choices or doing the things you are destined to do. When you're in the service of others, or extend kindness beyond your own boundaries, you'll feel connected to your Source. You'll feel happy and content, knowing that your doing the right thing."

After all the "seeking" over the years, the words that best describe my life purpose today are:

"I am here to experience the beauty and wonder of life. My tasks are to love, to learn, to serve, and to pass on what I have learned in my life to future generations."

That's enough for me to feel happy and content. Whenever a mood arises (seemingly out of nowhere) or something happening "out there" disturbs my peace of mind, I remind myself of my purpose. All it takes is listening to my heart and returning my thoughts to living on purpose (while, of course, "not getting too big for my britches"!).

What are your thoughts about living your life "on purpose"?

Writing a "Dying Letter": Elizabeth Edwards Story

2007-08-01T12:10:00.000-07:00

A touching story about Elizabeth Edwards in last Saturday's Wall Street Journal (July 21, 2007) told about her writing a "dying letter" to her three children between campaign stops in behalf of her husband John's presidential bid. She calls it a "guide to life" which she started writing prior to her cancer diagnosis.

I would call it her ethical will. In the story, Elizabeth talks about what she has written to advise to her children on church: "We raised you in the Methodist church to give you a foundation, but ultimately you need to re-examine what choice of church is right for you." She also shares that she is teaching her children an important "life lesson: when something bad happens, you don't give in."

I invite you to read the whole story about a courageous woman who continues to live her life to the fullest with incurable cancer -- doing what she thinks is right and making difficult choices -- and preparing for the end of her life by writing what she hopes and dreams for her family.

Here's a link to the article written by Monica Langley:

The Nights and Days Of Elizabeth Edwards - WSJ.com

Life Lessons: The Power Of Empathy

2007-07-31T16:24:00.000-07:00

At all stages of my life I've faced challenges in understanding others, especially my loved ones and others who are part of my everyday life experience. When I worked as a counselor with men and couples, I heard hundreds of stories about how difficult it is for people to connect in meaningful and fulfilling ways.

Much later in my life than I like to admit, I recognized that I've had a "deficiency" I now call E.D.D. (empathy deficit disorder). Not to be confused with A.D.D. (attention deficit disorder), E.D.D. seems to be a widespread malady that I'm sure afflicts more just than men born in the 1940's or earlier. I'd guess that most people living today have the "disorder" or remnants of it, unless their feelings have always been listened to by loved ones and their needs always cared for during their lifetime.

I was surprised to read that even a presidential candidate, Senator Barack Obama, has recognized the widespread "empathy deficit" in our culture. In a commencement speech in June, he said to the students:

"There's a lot of talk in this country about the federal deficit. But I think we should talk more about our empathy deficit - the ability to put ourselves in someone else's shoes; to see the world through those who are different from us - the child who's hungry, the laid-off steelworker, the immigrant woman cleaning your dorm room.

As you go on in life, cultivating this quality of empathy will become harder, not easier. There's no community service requirement in the real world; no one forcing you to care. You'll be free to live in neighborhoods with people who are exactly like yourself, and send your kids to the same schools, and narrow your concerns to what's going in your own little circle.

Not only that - we live in a culture that discourages empathy. A culture that too often tells us our principle goal in life is to be rich, thin, young, famous, safe, and entertained. A culture where those in power too often encourage these selfish impulses."

As I've done since I reached midlife, when I've wanted to learn something that "sticks", I create a class to teach whatever I've been struggling with in my life. Although about 40 years late, I recently taught an introductory class at OASIS which I call "Understanding With Heart: The Power of Empathy".

Much to my surprise and delight, 20 of the 23 people who signed up showed up on a Tuesday morning at 10:30 a.m. In the audience were 17 women and 3 men -- most of whom were in their 60's and 70's by my age guesstimate. As is usually the case at classes I've done at OASIS, the people were active participants with lots of questions and stories from their own struggles with attempting to be empathic with others.

I started the class by letting people know that I would be sharing my own experiences with empathy in my relationships as well as what I've learned from my loved ones and others, especially from Marshall Rosenberg -- author of Non-Violent Communication -- and Arthur Ciaramicoli and Katherine Ketcham, who wrote The Power of Empathy.

To begin the discussion of empathy, I define empathy as "respectfully understanding what others are experiencing". It is a way of knowing -- knowing what something would be like for the other person. Immediately the question arose regarding how empathy differs from "sympathy".

Empathy is not the same as "sympathy" which is sharing the other person's suffering emotionally. Sympathy is a way of relating -- knowing what something would be like to be the other person. Sympathy is "feeling with" whereas empathy is "feeling into" to understand another person's suffering.

Confusing? Yes, it can be. The best guide I know of is to pause, breath deeply, and focus inward to my heart and "listen" to see how I'm feeling emotionally. Intense emotion = sympathy. A sense of understanding (without intense emotion) = empathy. That seems to work best for me but only when I slow down and really listen to the other person (and my inner self!).

Moving on in the class, I invite people to do an "exercise" involving bringing to mind a time when they had difficulty responding empathically to someone who they care deeply about. The participants spend a few minutes writing down answers to five questions. I then I ask them to pair-up and share what they have written. It's a lively experience -- with lots of "buzz" in the room -- and most often, it's a challenge to bring the discussion to close.

The teaching from the experiential exercise focuses on Marshall Rosenberg's model for hearing with empathy. In a nutshell, here's what he proposes we say (which works when I remember to do it!):

When you . . . (describe what you are observing -- seeing and/or hearing) . . .

Are you feeling . . . (describe your "best guess" of what the person may be feeling)?

Because you need . . . (describe your "best guess" of what the person desires or expects) . . .

Would you like me to . . . (clearly describe "possible" actions the person may want)?

Simple? Not when your gut reaction to the person's anger, complaints, or judgments is to get defensive! Slowing down and breathing is essential. It can take time to accurately understand another person's feelings and thoughts. Avoiding snap judgments is a must! Paying attention to your body is crucial as you let the person's story unfold. It takes lots of practice ... and I'm still practicing ... and learning.

Next in the class, we look a empathic listening -- the skills involved and the biggest obstacles. I love what Holley Humphrey says about listening:

"The biggest listening secret is that when people seem to be complaining, they are really poorly expressing their own feelings and needs."

I wish I would always remember that whenever I hear a "complaint" from someone I love!

Humphrey notes that when we agree to be a listener (silently or verbally), it's important not to "grab the spotlight" away from the person we're listening to. She offers "10 Obstacles to Empathic Listening" -- my favorite of which (and the one I've done most often in my life) is to attempt to "fix-it" by giving advice, followed closely by trying to "explain it away". Neither have ever worked ... and never will!

The last portion of the class is devoted to the "dark side" of empathy. Yes, there is a dark expression of empathy. You see it in the everyday manipulators, the hardcore blamers, and -- worst case (and very skillfully) -- in sexual predators.

I share Arthur Ciaramicoli and Katherine Ketcham's "Ten Steps to Protect You Against the Dark Side of Empathy" and share their reminder to:

"Aways keep in mind the fact that empathy is a biological drive that evolved to protect us from danger. Using empathy to deceive or harm others is a perversion of its life-sustaining energy and reflects a weakness rather than a strength. In the end the positive, protective aspects of empathy will always overshadow the dark side."

That's a lot of material to cover in a very short hour and a half class. Hopefully, people take away exactly what they needed to make a positive difference in their lives. And to make their life even more wonderful than when they walked in the door that morning to attend the class!

Empathy offers a powerful path to understanding each other at a deep level. Ultimately, it shows us how to live fully and wholeheartedly with others.

I invite your comments and experience with the power empathy in your life.

Life Lessons: The Importance of Arts Education

2007-07-29T14:39:00.000-07:00

Reading Dana Gioia's article on "The Impoverishment of American Culture" (Wall Street Journal - July 19, 2007) got me thinking about the importance of arts education in my life. And it got me wondering how to convey the value of arts education to my loved ones and future generations who read my ethical will).

Today, with the decline of arts programs in our public schools, children's arts education now depends primarily on their parent's income. What a dramatic (and sad) state of affairs that the arts have become expendable as public school budgets get cut!

Growing up in western Minnesota in the 50's and 60's, my arts education consisted of participating in school music programs -- marching band (the tuba player), orchestra (tuba again ... with fewer "um-pahs") and choir (plus my Lutheran church choir -- directed by our school band leader who recruited singers from the band). Add to that, a one-time drama stint in a class play as Doc Gibbs in "Our Town". I don't recall any "fine art" classes but must have taken at least one studio art class in high school. My only display of artistic talent was in a "shop class" project where I did an inlay of a deer on a wooden tray.

I became an avid (and lifelong) reader after my 5th grade teacher read us "The Hardy Boys" mysteries in class. My writing highlight was the publication in our local newspaper of my report on our 6th grade class trip to the Ford car manufacturing plant in St. Paul (I still recall writing about "building eight cars per hour" which amazed us all!).

In college, I recall taking an art history class, studying paintings from Old Masters whose work was flashed on a big screen (and having a test requiring identification of the artist!). I also recall that massive tome by Janson, History of Art -- the heaviest (in weight!) book of my college days. I got involved in photography too, doing "artsy" black and white photos after taking a photojournalism class.

Along the way in college, I had an internship as an assistant editor of a national church organization's magazine for men (called "Event") which was at the forefront social changes in the late 60's (yes, there were progressive Lutherans in Minnesota!). In our second issue, I was in charge of getting a story together about Sister Corita Kent and her art -- choosing her art pieces to print in color (a really "big deal" for me and the publication at the time). Other than that, like many college students in those days, my arts education was going to the movies and taking in occasional music performances.

Looking back today at the arts education of my school years, I can see how those early experiences set the stage for a life blessed with many extraordinary (and varied) experiences of music, drama, fine arts, writing of poetry and prose, and reading hundreds (thousands?) of books of both fiction and non-fiction. Today, I can see the "golden thread" of my early arts education that has led me to active involvement with our local arts center and to writing a blog about artists. It even led to recently seeing paintings by Rembrandt and other Old Masters (some of which I must have seen first in that Janson art history tome in college!). Adding to the "thread" was my visit this month to the Salem Art Fair & Festival, a wonderful event with over 200 artists from around the country showing their work in a beautiful wooded urban park setting.

So what did Dana Gioia have to say about arts education that connects to my life and my hopes for future generations? From his review of studies on American civic participation, he notes:

"What is the defining difference between passive and active citizens? Curiously, it isn't income, geography, or even education. It depends on whether or not they read for pleasure and participate in the arts. These cultural activities seem to awaken a heightened sense of individual awareness and social responsibility."

Gioia goes on to say, "Art is an irreplaceable way of understanding and expressing the world -- equal to but distinct from scientific and conceptual methods. Art addresses us in the fullness of our being -- simultaneously speaking to our intellect, emotions, intuition, imagination, memory, and physical senses. These are some truths about life that can be expressed only as stories or songs or images."

"Art delights, instructs, consoles. It educates our emotions. And it remembers. As Robert Frost once said about poetry, 'It is a way of remembering that which it would impoverish us to forget.' Art awakens, enlarges, refines and restores our humanity."

Couldn't say it any better than that! Thank you, Dana Gioia, for so clearly saying what I have experienced in my life as a result of my arts education. And thank you for your advocacy for a new national consensus that recognizes that "the real purpose of arts education is to create complete human beings capable of leading successful and productive lives in a free society."

My hope is that my children and grandchildren -- and future generations of Americans -- will value arts education and participate in the arts throughout their lives. If they do, I have no doubt that they will be blessed with many, many, magnificent life experiences!

Taking Action on Early Alzheimer's: Patient Activism

2007-07-25T16:54:00.000-07:00

I've written about Alzheimer's in the past and was pleased to see USA Today feature a story on Tuesday (July 24, 2007) about "early" Alzheimer's patients. Reading about Richard Taylor's experience (and frustrations with the disease) offers a very personal view of one man's situation and the actions he's taking to speak out for people already silenced by the disease:

Patients take action on early Alzheimer's - USATODAY.com

The Alzheimer's Association is holding "town meetings" in four cities across the country inviting people to speak out. Locally, our Alzheimer's Chapter has monthly meetings to educate people about the disease. Wherever you live, I encourage you to learn about this disease which afflicts nearly half of all people over 85 (yes, mostly women!).

Aging & Decision-Making: Mapping Uncharted Territory

2007-07-12T15:42:00.006-07:00

A few weeks ago, I listened to an interview on the Jefferson Exchange which focused on decision-making as we age. The discussion got me wondering about how my ability to make decisions may change as I get older -- a subject I had never considered before.

Jeff Golden, the host of the radio show interviewed Ellen Peters, a senior research scientist with Decision Research, who had recently co-authored a journal article about the aging brain and decision-making.

Peters noted that how we think our way through information and how we feel our way through it effect our decision-making. And it depends on the situation which way of processing information works better.

Often, elders feel their way through decisions rather than think harder about them. Peters says "Thinking capacity declines with time. We learn less easily. We process information more slowly." But our emotional way of processing "may show improvements over time. We may tend to feel our way through decisions more when we are older."

Elders can be very intuitively intelligent, using what they have learned experientially throughout their lives to their advantage in making decisions. However, in unfamiliar situations and those dealing with numbers, older people tend to have more difficulty processing information and remembering it.

According to Peters, our memory and speed of processing generally decline with age but intuition remains stable throughout life. So elders rely more on their intuition in decision-making than younger people.

In response to a woman who called-in to the radio interview, Peters noted that "pattern recognition" plays a part in decision-making. She said that "as we get older, we see the forest, not just the trees" -- responding to the overall situation we face, not just the details -- when we need to make a decision.

Commenting about her research in a media story, Peters said "older people who make mistakes have less time and less physical resiliency to compensate for bad decisions than do younger people. Older people are more vulnerable."

"We may not be able to teach an old dog new tricks, but the old dog may have lots and lots of old tricks that help quite a bit. In some situations, the old dogs may be making better decisions than the pups."

Peters concluded the interview by saying that "deliberate decline is too simple a way to explain decision-making and aging." Our knowledge about the world through life experiences tends to rise over time even as the human brain's ability to process information declines with age.

So there is hope for this "old dog" as I age and make decisions in my life. Depending on the situation, I may even make better choices when I rely on my emotions and past experiences! Now, all I have to do is learn to be more patient with myself in situations where thinking harder about unfamiliar information will produce the best decision.

The Elder Storytelling Place - A Time Goes By weblog

2007-07-10T15:38:00.000-07:00

One of the blogs I read turned me on to a great new blog (4 months old) that offers a place for elders to share short stories about their life. Wonderful idea! Lots of contributions from elders to read.

If you've got a story to share from your ethical call (or want to start your ethical will by writing a family or personal story), here's the place to start:

The Elder Storytelling Place - A Time Goes By weblog

The woman who started the blog, Ronni Bennett, has been blogging at "Time Goes By ... what it's really like to get older"-- another site worth reading if you're wondering "what it's really like to get older"! Enjoy!

A Poem for Every Life

2007-07-10T13:40:00.000-07:00

I received this beautifully illustrated poem by Linda Ellis from our Hospice Volunteer Coordinator today. Thought it contained the essence of an ethical will:

The Dash Poem

Pass it along to your loved ones and everyone you know who is living a --.

Charlie's Wisdom: Ethical Imperatives in Life

2007-06-21T10:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I read a quote by Charles Gibson, the ABC News anchor, from his recent speech to Union College graduates:

"It sounds old-fashioned, but I will tell you there are ethical imperatives in life.

Compassion.
Honestly.
Fairness.
Trustworthiness.
Respect for others.

If those things are not the bedrocks of your life, you will suffer for their absense in time."

Couldn't agree more, Charlie. Great material for your ethical will (and mine). Thank you for sharing your wisdom with college graduates and all the rest of us.

Aging Creatively and Contentedly

2007-06-14T12:02:00.001-07:00

At 7:36 a.m., I sat in a comfortable chair at the medical lab awaiting my turn to feel the sting of the needle entering my left arm to fill three viles of blood for tests my doctor had ordered. Sitting in the room with me were 14 other people, all of whom had fasted for at least 12 hours ("nothing except water" the intake person asked everyone as we cued up to the check-in counter). By my best guess, only one of us is younger than 60 years of age -- four men and ten women.

Among my many thoughts at that hour of the morning were: "how long will this take before I can have breakfast?", "will I finish in time to get to my 8:15 a.m. meeting ... and have breakfast too?", and "what does this random group of people getting blood tests say to me about aging?" Not just aging, but aging creatively and positively in the face of life changes that come to most of us the older we get.

With more people living longer than ever before, a growing number of women and men are dealing with issues of their physical health, memory, and daily functioning while living at home alone or with spouses and other family members needing caregiving. As we live into our 80's, Alzheimer's and other diseases become greater threats to our well-being, not to mention the probability of deaths of our loved ones.

Even so, most people I know and elders I've read about view growing old as a meaningful time of life, filled with creative possibilities and enjoyment in spite of the physical and mental challenges of our aging bodies. That positive frame of mind about aging and the practice of life-enhancing activities seem to be the best measures of whether or not we'll live a creative, contented life in our elderhood.

Robert Hill, Ph.D., author of Positive Aging: A Guide for Mental Health Professionals and Consumers, posits that learning four basic actions are vital to growing old with a positive frame of mind:

1. Mobilize your resources: Be selective -- adapt to your aging process -- and optimize choices in use of resources. Regularly practice behaviors you want to remain intact and get support you require to continue them. Find ways to compensate so you can continue doing what you most enjoy doing.

2. Make affirmative lifestyle choices: Understand your values and life goals -- what really matters to you -- then make decisions each day to do whatever affirms who you are and what brings you joy and contentment. Know your best (and blessed) self well and choose to contribute your unique gifts to the world.

3. Cultivate flexibility: Move beyond your habitual patterns of thinking and doing. Recognize that older people are actually better at "thinking outside the box" than younger people! Learn new things and have new experiences. Practice gratitude, forgiveness, and service to others.

4. Emphasize the positives: Discipline yourself to cultivate the positive in your life. Positive thoughts create positive emotions, no matter what physical or mental conditions you may face. Know that growing old is meaningful and worthwhile, regardless of your life circumstances.

I've had an opportunity to meet many people who are living these actions each day. Last month, I started a project consisting of interviewing 50 artists -- one per week over the 50 weeks -- and writing an article for the Springfield Beacon as well as a weekly blog posting about my experience (see: www.emeraldartcenter.blogspot.com). So far, I've met some of the most creative and contented people I've ever met. And most have been people as old or older than myself!

I invite readers to comment on your experiences of aging and ways of growing older creatively ... and with contentment. What are you doing to make each day of your life even more wonderful than it is today?

New Life Legacy Wiki: Create Your Own Ethical Will

2007-06-07T11:32:00.000-07:00

You may already be familiar with Wikipedia, the collaboratively written encyclopedia on the web. I recently learned about a website that makes it possible for anyone to create their own "wiki" with content of their choice -- so decided to begin a Life Legacy Wiki for people who want to create their own ethical will.

I've started the wiki with content I use in my ethical will introductory talks and four-week class. You can use it as a guide for writing your own ethical will while at the same time collaborating on an archived "wisdom legacy" of everyone who contributes to the project. And you can add pages of content to expand upon what I've included as a starting contribution to the wiki.

I invite you to participate and join in the content-building process at:

Create A Legacy of Your Lifetime

Just click on "Join This Community" in the upper right section of the entry page to register as a contributor.

Your feedback about the project is welcomed and ideas for improving the wiki are appreciated.

Jean's Wisdom: "When Love is Not Enough"

2007-05-21T09:07:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I attended a community talk by Jean Jordan, Ph.D, sponsored by our local Alzheimer's Association chapter. Jean is director of Senior Connections, a group that I've spoken to in the past about ethical wills and personal legacy letters. She is a wise woman who I appreciate and respect -- so when Jean speaks, I listen!

In her talk entitled "When Love is Not Enough", Jean spoke about her own experience with her mother's Alzheimer's disease. Her mother had the disease for the last 19 years of her life -- an impossibly long time for a disease which can progress slowly or very quickly. It is a dynamic disease that challenges most all aspects of a person's life and their family system, especially the primary caregiver, according to Jean.

Today, even though most people I know seldom consider the prospect of getting the disease, Alzheimer's is a growing problem the longer people live. In Oregon today, over 80,000 people are affected by the disease and experts expect that number to grow to over 154,000 in the next 20 years. Nationwide, one quarter of people over seventy-five will be stricken and the number rises to over 50% of people over eighty-five years of age.

Jean reminded us that "all planning is fiction", especially with a disease that can change from day-to-day. Many people make the promise to their parents or spouses to "never, never put you in a nursing home". But none of us can say "I made a promise that included Alzheimer's" and all of the enormous challenges of caring for someone with the disease.

Over 75% of Alzheimer's care takes place in the home today, done by family caregivers with support of professional caregivers (if the family can afford it!). And, most unfortunate for everyone involved, Medicare does not finance long-term care in the home where constant care and vigilance with an Alzheimer's patient can last for years.

Sometimes "love can get us in trouble" according to Jean, especially when we wait too long and the person we love becomes unsafe living at home alone, unsafe when driving, or abusive to their spouses and others. She noted that "taking abuse is never, ever an act of love." Often, "tough love" is the best approach -- one in which you "love the person so much that you'll make the hard decisions" they cannot rationally make for themselves anymore.

Primary caregivers and other family members need to adapt to the changing person with Alzheimer's. Jean noted that "correcting" a person with the disease is not a loving response, nor is neglecting one's own self care. She says "self-care can be the most loving thing you can do for the person you care for". Too often (over 60% of the time when a caregiver has her or his own health issues), the caregiver dies before their loved one with the disease!

In her book "Learning to Speak Alzheimer's", Joanne Koenig Coste outlines five tenets for any person caring for a person with Alzheimer's and other dementia's at home:

"1. Make the Physical Environment Work. Simplify the environment. Accommodate perceptual loss by eliminating distractions.

2. Know That Communication Remains Possible. Remember that the emotion behind failing words is far more important than the words themselves and needs to be validated. Although many losses occur with this disease, assume that the patient can still register feelings that matter.

3. Focus Only on Remaining Skills. Value what abilities remain. Help the patient compensate for any lost abilities without bringing them to his or her attention.

4. Live in the Patient's World. Never question, chastise, or try to reason with the patient. Join her in her current "place" or time, wherever that may be, and find joy with her there.

5. Enrich the Patient's Life. Create moments for success; eliminate possible moments of failure, and praise frequently and with sincerity. Attempt to find humor wherever possible.

These tenets require continuous examination of how the patient thinks, feels, communicates, compensates, and responds to change, emotion, and love."

My own father suffered from dementia and had to live in a care home the last years of his life. Living long-distance from him kept me from having to deal with the issues of his daily care. Thankfully, my brothers and dad's longtime companion who lived closer were there for him.

Dad was a man I had difficulty loving for most of my life after all of the abuse and emotional distance during my childhood with him. Fortunately, I had done my own emotional healing "work" to be able to forgive and love him long before his death.

As I recall my last visit with my dad, he showed no sign of knowing who I was and everything he said was incoherent. I responded to him in the "place and time" where he was as best I could. And I just held him close and repeatedly said, "I love you, Dad". Never before in our lives together had I felt closer to him. Somehow, I experienced joy in our connection that day -- a joy that brings tears to my eyes as I write these words ten years after my father's death.

Thank you, Jean Jordan, for sharing your personal experience of "when love is not enough".

NOTE: On Saturday, June 2, the Alzheimer's Association is holding an all-day conference called "A Meeting of the Minds: The Puzzle - Thinking, Feeling, and Understanding Alzheimer's". Held at the Willamalane Adult Activity Center in Springfield, the conference is open to anyone who wants to learn more about Alzheimer's. Call 345-8392 for more details and to register.

The Legacy of War: Wisdom for My Loved Ones

2007-05-07T13:54:00.000-07:00

As I read about more deaths of American soldiers every day as a result of President Bush's "surge" strategy in Iraq, I'm reminded again and again of the most powerful wisdom I've ever heard about war:

"War in the end is always about betrayal: betrayal of the young by the old, soldiers by politicians, and idealists by cynics."

These words were delivered in a speech by Chris Hedges, author of the 2002 book, "War Is A Force That Gives Life Meaning."

I served in the U.S. Army Reserves during the Vietnam War era. While our unit in Akron, Ohio was never called-up to serve overseas, we were on alert to go to the Kent State University campus on the day students were gunned down by Ohio National Guardsmen -- killing four students and wounding nine others. That was as close as I got to the reality of war in my lifetime. It was close enough.

Much has been written and said about the countless betrayals by politicians and military leaders during the Vietnam War. Now, with the Iraq War, we hear about the betrayal of our wounded soldiers when they come home for treatment. We even hear about a former CIA director betraying everyone in the White House (or vice-versa)!

Thankfully, to give me a "lived" perspective on war, I have an 85-year old friend I meet with for breakfast every week who served (and survived!) all five "theatres" of World War II. He knows about war in ways that none of our country's leaders (who never served) do. And, today, he is at the forefront of our local Veterans for Peace. It is his wisdom about war and peace -- the wisdom of an elder who cares deeply about his beloved country -- that I hope I can convey in the personal legacy I will leave to my sons, grandchildren, and the next generation.

What life experience . . . what legacy of war and peace . . . will you leave for your loved ones?

Secret of Long Life (Pickles Wisdom)

2007-05-06T21:44:00.000-07:00

In case you missed it, Grandpa shared the secret of long life with his grandson on Saturday (May 5, 2007). Here's a link:

Pickles

Didn't get this wisdom from my Grandpa's. Did you? What life lessons did your grandfather and grandmothers share with you?

If they're still alive, now is the time to ask them "what experiences did you have that mattered most in how you've lived your life?

Record or videotape their answers. Then make copies and pass them along to the next generation of your family (for listening/viewing) and ask them to pass it along to the next generation ... and the next!

What Elders Are For: A Life-Affirming Vision of Aging

2007-04-19T12:07:00.000-07:00

I never thought much about "aging" until I worked for an in-home care agency a few years ago. The job brought me into contact with hundreds of seniors in our community. Before that experience, I hadn't seriously considered the implications of growing old while living in our youth-obsessed, death-denying culture.

As I learned more about the lives, living situations, and health concerns of seniors (and aging into my seventh decade on the planet), I "woke up" to begin looking at possible futures for myself and the boomers coming along slightly behind me in age. That boomer "age wave" will double the number of seniors in the U.S. population to over 71.5 million by the year 2030 (no wonder politicians are afraid to deal with making changes to Social Security and Medicare programs!).

Over the past three years, I've had many conversations with people older than I am (the oldest was a delightful 98-year old woman), read several books on aging, created and delivered many talks on elder concerns, and taught life legacy classes. What I've learned from others and from my own experience of aging (so far) is distilled in this brief look at what is means to be an elder ... to live as an elder today and in the years ahead.

In my reading about elderhood, I came across a vision that Barry Barkan of the Live Oak Institute composed over a quarter century ago as "The Live Oak Definition of an Elder":

An elder is a person
Who is still growing,
Still a learner
Still with potential and
Whose life continues to have within it
Promise for and connection to the future.

An elder is still in pursuit of happiness,
Joy and pleasure
And her or his birthright to these
Remains intact.

Moreover, an elder is a person
Who deserves respect
And honor
And whose work it is
To synthesize wisdom from long life experience
And formulate this into
A legacy for future generations.

It seems to me that this definition of elderhood offers a positive, life-affirming vision for everyone to hold while growing older. For my own life and life legacy work with elders, it serves as a inspiring guide (and a blessing) for our years of living as elders in our society.

In his book, "What Are Old People For? How Elders Will Save the World", Dr. William Thomas talks about elderhood as a time of life that comes after adulthood. He says "elders begin to look at the world and live their lives with a much greater emphasis on being rather than doing. They're much more concerned about relationship, emotion, intrinsic satisfaction. They're no longer obsessed with doing and getting and having. Therefore, they can be a voice in our culture and our society that can help us find our way."

So what are the most important functions -- the most important responsibilities -- of an elder? From my discussions with seniors and my reading on the subject, to serve as an elder you need to relax into being the person you came into the world to be and make a contribution in one or more ways by:

Being fully present with people of all ages who you come into contact with each day (listening with care and responding with respect).

Being a steward of community values and the environment (serving and supporting organizations that contribute to the well-being of people and the planet).

Being a sharer of the wisdom "harvested" from your life experience (telling stories about what really matters, rather than filling the air with advice or more "expert" information).

Being a mentor who listens to the genuine concerns of young people, shares authentically from the heart, and helps awaken to their own inner wisdom.

Being a peacemaker -- first with yourself, with your family, your circle of friends, and in the world.

Being a legacy creator who shares your life experience with others and documents your life legacy to hand down to future generations (sharing life lessons, telling family stories, and speaking with authenticity about "life as you've known it").

The elders I know best have chosen to focus their lives on one or more of these "functions" of elderhood. By the way they live their lives, they demonstrate how living with awareness of being in the world-- listening to the voice of your heart -- can make elderhood a wonderfully creative and meaningful time of life, wrinkles and all!

Dr. Thomas concludes that "as our understanding of elderhood and its rightful place in our society grows, the creation and sharing of legacy will come to be seen as an essential part of late life. This is more than an idle wish. Our society needs these legacies, and day by day, grows less and less able to gain access to them."

We can begin to change the current situation by encouraging elders we know to document their life experiences, family stories, and wisdom gained from their many years of living. In whatever form works best for each individual-- written, audio or video -- ask them to share their life story, what has mattered most in their lives, and what their hopes are for future generations.

Honoring our elders means truly being with them, listening to them with care, and taking their wisdom to heart. And, as each of us ages into our elder years, it means taking time to document and share our own life legacy with our loved ones. When we do, we not only make a difference in their lives, we contribute "the message wherefore I am sent into the world" to the future of society.

Legacy-Building: Sponsor A Small Business in Developing Countries (Kiva.org)

2007-04-16T12:48:00.000-07:00

Last Tuesday night, I saw a wonderful story on Frontline/World that featured microcredit in developing countries. It showed how Kiva.org allows anyone in the world access to technology for providing loans to the working poor who've created small businesses to support their families.

As noted on their website, "Kiva lets you connect with and loan money to unique small businesses in the developing world. By choosing a business on Kiva.org, you can "sponsor a business" and help the world's working poor make great strides towards economic independence. Throughout the course of the loan (usually 6-12 months), you can receive email journal updates from the business you've sponsored. As loans are repaid, you get your loan money back".

What a great idea and great use of internet technology! And what a lasting legacy the co-founders and members of Kiva are leaving to people of the world!

Here's a link to the the Frontline story and video to watch:

FRONTLINE/WORLD . Uganda - A Little Goes a Long Way . Story Synopsis and Video . PBS

I look forward to joining Kiva and making my first loan. If you're already a member or planning to join Kiva's program, I'd appreciate hearing from you.

Living Wisdom: Quoting Henry Drummond

2007-04-12T12:08:00.000-07:00

I received a meeting announcement yesterday from our local Parish Health Ministries Network which offered the following quote by Henry Drummond:

"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love."

Wisdom worth remembering ... and passing along to future generations.

Wisdom for Living in Harmony with Yourself and Everyone Else

2007-03-27T12:47:00.000-07:00

Last week, I finished reading Byron Katie's latest book, A Thousand Names for Joy, which she co-authored with Stephen Mitchell. Katie is best known for her process of self-inquiry which she calls "The Work", described in her popular book Loving What Is.

When I met Katie a few years ago at a book-signing and demonstration of her work, I felt a sense of joy in her presence and respect for how she worked with people. And I recall having wished that I had known the profound wisdom in her inquiry process during the many years I worked as a counselor with individuals and couples (not to mention for my own emotional healing earlier in my life!).

Her new book focuses on Byron Katie's response to the Tao Te Ching, the great Chinese classic book of wisdom translated so beautifully by Stephen Mitchell in the late 1980's. Each of the 81 brief chapters contains her insights about a statement from the Tao. Also included are three longer dialogue sections illustrating the inquiry process of The Work.

Among the "pearls" in her book are many about our thoughts:

"Every thought is already over. That's grace. No thought: no problem. It's not possible to have a problem without believing a prior thought. To notice this simple truth is the beginning of peace."

"You can't let go of a stressful thought, because you didn't create it in the first place. A thought just appears. You're not doing it. You can't let go of what you have no control over. Once you've questioned the thought, you don't let go of it, it lets go of you. It no longer means what you thought it meant. The world changes, because the mind that projected it has changed. Your whole life changes, and you don't even care, because you realize that you already have everything you need."

"Generosity is our very nature, and when we try to pretend otherwise, when we hold back or give with a motive, it hurts. A motive is just an unquestioned thought. On the other side of our thinking, generosity naturally appears. There's nothing we need to do to achieve it. It's simply what we are."

While I don't intend to make this a book review or treatise on The Work, I'd encourage everyone to use Katie's process to end emotional suffering in their lives by questioning the thoughts that create it. Her four questions and "turnaround" -- a way to experience the opposite of what you believe -- look simple, but they're the most powerful way I've found for dealing with any stressful thoughts. Whenever a thought upsets you, take time to ask:

1. Is it true?

2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?

3. How do you react when you believe that thought?

4. Who would you be without the thought?

Detailed instructions for the process are included in the Appendix of Katie's book or on her website, www.thework.com. I encourage you to try it the next time you're upset about what someone says or does ... or you have troubled thoughts about your life, your relationships, your work, or our country's wars "on terror", "on drugs", "on Iraq". The Work really works!

Learnings from Pediatric Palliative Care: Life Legacy Questions

2007-03-19T13:53:00.000-07:00

At our quarterly Partners to Improve End-of-Life Care meeting this month, I learned about the palliative care and hospice program available for children in our community. Called "Little Stars", it serves children with life-threatening illnesses, focusing on care that enhances quality of life for the child and their family from the point of diagnosis through bereavement.

Like palliative care and hospice for adults, pediatric palliative care is delivered by an interdisciplinary team that addresses the physical, emotional, social, cultural, and spiritual healing of the child. It can be provided concurrent with life-prolonging care or as a main focus of care -- neither hastening nor postponing death. This type of care assists the child and family in making decisions about care during whatever remaining time they may have.

One of the handouts provided by the presenter offered a list of "questions to ask children and families to elicit palliative care goals" (from The Hospice of Florida Suncoast). Among the 20 questions were several that I thought were appropriate for use in creating an ethical or spiritual will (some of which I've edited slightly):

What are the most important relationships in your life?
What is most important to your family?
What are things that bring you joy and comfort?
What are you proud of? What are your greatest achievements?
What do you want to accomplish or do?
What activities such as music, art, reading, massage, or touch provide peace or comfort to you?
What do you wish you could still do?
What spiritual or religious practices bring you comfort?
What are you hopeful about?
What are your concerns for the future?
How and where do you want to live for the rest of your life?
Is spiritual peace important to you? What would help you achieve spiritual peace?

The remaining questions in the palliative care assessment focus primarily on issues about a child's illness -- their knowledge about it, treatments, pain control, and other concerns they may have.

While hospice care is covered by Medicare and most other insurance today, unfortunately, palliative care for both children and adults remains mostly "not covered" by insurers in the U.S. Some states have made progress in getting palliative care coverage for people but funding of these vital health care programs remain unresolved.

For more information on "Palliative Care for Children" an abstract and article is available from the journal, Pediatrics. My hope is that palliative care will become an essential (and funded!) part of our health care system in the future.

A Mother's Gift: A Cherished Cassette

2007-03-09T13:02:00.000-08:00

Among the many blessings I receive from giving public talks about life legacies is the stories people tell me about their own family legacy experiences. Yesterday, after speaking on a panel of people who work with seniors in our community, a woman came up to me and shared a wonderful story about her mother.

She told me that her mother had made a cassette tape of songs she had created as she drove long-haul eighteen wheelers across the country. The cassette was a most cherished "legacy" that her daughter often listened to, especially at times when she felt like her memory of her mother's voice was fading. As she shared the titles of her mother's songs -- "Trucking with Grandma", "Bright Eyes" and others, her eye's teared up as she spoke.

She told me that, at the age of 50, her mother had gone to trucking school so she could drive eighteen-wheelers with her husband. "Being left at home after being newly married was not part of the deal!", her mother had said to her new husband. So, without hesitation she had packed up and moved across the country to go to school and begin her new career. Then for over 15 years, as a truck-driving couple, they traveled through every state in the U.S. and Canada before retiring. She loved her life on the road!

After her mother's death from cancer in her mid-70's, her daughter had CD's of the cassette made for other members of her family -- all of her brothers and sisters (seven of them) -- who loved being able to hear their mother's voice again (listening to her "songs from the road" . . . a mother's lasting gift to her children).

Have you recorded or videotaped yourself telling stories about your life . . . telling stories about ancestors that you're the last one in your family to remember . . . reciting your favorite poems . . . or singing your own songs? Chances are, whatever you choose to do, that tape will become your loved ones' most cherished legacies of your life after you're gone.

The Way I See It # 83: A Woman's Truth

2007-03-02T14:07:00.000-08:00

The Oregonian had a front page story this week (February 28, 2007) that featured the wisdom of a 38-year old woman -- Tiana Tozer -- who wrote the following words in response to how people look at her in her wheelchair.

The Way I See It # 83

They told you that beauty is in the
eye of the beholder. What they
failed to tell you is that it is best
seen with the eyes closed. What
you look like isn't important. What
is important is who you are inside
and the choices you are making in
your life.

Her words appear on the side of a Starbucks coffee cup! Tom Hallman Jr., the reporter who wrote the story about Tiana began the article by saying, "A girl raised in a culture that idolizes Britney, Paris and Lindsay wouldn't understand the quote. Sure, it's a bit cliche, a cousin to an old chestnut that everyone spouts but few girls believe. But if a girl's lucky, a woman will explain the truth behind the 51 words on the side of the cardboard coffee cup."

Great message. Great story (sorry I couldn't find a link to it for you). What it says to me about life legacies is summed up in Tiana's truth -- "what is important is who you are inside and the choices you are making in your life." I hope that is a message that my granddaughter, grandson, and sons will take into their hearts ... and live throughout their lives.

Seven Questions to Explore in Your Ethical Will: "Who am I?"

2007-02-22T14:14:00.000-08:00

I'm always looking for new questions for people to use for self-exploration in my classes on creating ethical or spiritual wills. In reading Deepak Chopra's new book, Life After Death: The Burden of Proof, I found seven questions he poses are necessary for knowing "Who am I?":

1. What is your story? Your story is more than just a list of the events in your life. It's about your self-image, how you see yourself, what shaped your mind, which memories imprinted themselves on you. Taken altogether, your story tells you where you are in the cycle of life.

2. What are your expectations? Expectations are seeds. Once planted, they manifest into those things we gain from life, or lose. When you become aware of your own expectations, you discover the unspoken limits you have set on yourself. There is a huge difference between those who expect great things and those who don't.

3. What is your purpose? This is the meaning you are trying to find. Purpose runs deeper than the superficial things we hope to get, which mostly center on money, possessions, status, and comfort. If you know your purpose, you know the deeper project to which your life is dedicated.

4. What is your destination? This is about fulfillment. Human goals are endless; they unfold, not like a road that has an end but like a river that flows to join the sea, merging with ever larger possibilities. If you know your destination, you can envision your highest fulfillment.

5. What is your path? Having identified your purpose and your destination, there must be a way to get there. "Path" has been adopted as a spiritual term, but in fact everyone, spiritual or not, follows certain ways to get where they want to go.

6. Who are your adversaries? Forward motion is never without obstacles. On your path you will find yourself blocked. At times the adversary is external, but if you examine yourself deeply, you will find it is always internal as well.

7. Who are your allies? We all bring others with us on our journey. Just as your adversaries did, you may identify these allies as external, but they only reflect your own inner strength, just as an opponent reflects your inner vulnerability."

Chopra goes on to say that "what we know right now is immediate and personal: how we feel, what we want, whom we love. And that's enough. The decisions we make determine how life proceeds. We don't go through life simply making good choices and bad ones. We go through life making who we are. Choice is the hand that shapes the raw clay of a person."

What choices have you made in your life that have shaped the "raw clay" to become the person you are? Who are you making as a result of your life choices?

I encourage you to answer the "Seven Questions" and, if you're interested in how scientific discoveries and the wisdom traditions provide a map to the afterlife, read Chopra's book. It's a fascinating look at how your expectations, beliefs, and level of awareness in the "here and now" can shape what happens after you die.

Family Histories & Stories in Your Ethical Will

2007-02-08T13:58:00.000-08:00

Quite often in my life legacy classes and talks, people will ask about including family stories and family history in their ethical wills. I always encourage people to include whatever has been most important to their lives as well as what they'd like to pass on to future generations of their family. So cherished stories and historial information about one's family can certainly be included in an ethical will.

If you want to make family history the main subject of your document, I'd encourage you to consider doing a family history video to complement your ethical will. This week, I met with Terry Sheldon who has a company -- StoryBox Creative -- which helps people create a video that tells a family's story using historical photos, interviews, and video of family memorabilia.

Passionate about his work with families, Terry describes his company as "unlike any you've ever seen. Our single goal is to enrich your life by helping you preserve your memorabilia & strengthen your legacy." He offers two essential services: production of "a heart-warming video documentary of your heritage - a keepsake you can pass on to the next generation" and the transfer of all your photos, slides, film, and video to digital media.

If you'd like an experienced professional to help you preserve your family history for a very reasonable price, I encourage you to take a look at Terry's website and to contact him at: terry@storyboxcreative.com.

And tell him where you learned about his service. I look forward to collaborating with Terry to bring more personal and family legacies to life to share with future generations.

The Wisdom of Molly

2007-02-02T11:19:00.000-08:00

No writer of my generation has gifted me with more "laugh-out-loud, tears in my eyes" moments than Molly Ivins. Only Garrison Keillor even comes close.

Reading about Molly's death at the age of 62 this week saddened me. And it reminded me how blessed I've been by writers who first came into my life when I was in my 20's in Minneapolis. Both Molly and Garrison were there.

Although I never met her then, Molly was a brand new reporter for the Minneapolis Tribune. I was a lowly intern in the advertising department of the paper, confined to pasting "lean, meaty spare rib" clipart into ads for a corner market (while finishing my Journalism degree at the U. of M.). In the confines of the news department (where "ad guys" were banned from entering), Molly was covering, in her words, "the uproar of the late 60s -- the antiwar movement, black riots, angry women. It was a wonderful time." As for Garrison, though I can't recall seeing him around the J-School, word was that he was seen there too on occasion (though one of those notorious English majors!).

Guess I've been reading Molly's syndicated column in various newspapers for nearly 25 years. No telling how many laughs I've enjoyed as she took on every politician (and all of Texas) in her columns. People seemed to either love her or hate her as she smacked the egos of (mostly men) in Washington and Austin. And the "Bushies" were her favorites these past few years. Some of her humorous looks at the weirdness of Texas (where I traveled for business too many times in the '80s) were among the best. Last night, on the PBS News Hour, they replayed a story she did for them on Texas fine "ort" (pronounced "art" by non-Texans) back in 1986. If you didn't see it, here's a link to the video (a "must see" if you're ready for some serious laughs):

Remembering Molly Ivins

Yesterday's Oregonian offered a fine tribute to Molly by her friend and editor, Anthony Zurcher. I especially liked what he said about Molly's wisdom:

"For me, Molly's greatest words of wisdom came with three children's books she gave my son when he was born. In her inimitable way, she captured the spirit of each in one-sentence inscriptions. In "Alice in Wonderland," she offered, "Here's to six impossible things before breakfast." For "The Wind in the Willows," it was, "May you have Toad's zest for life." And in "The Little Prince," she wrote, "May your heart always see clearly."

Like the Little Prince, Molly Ivins has left us for a journey of her own. But while she was here, her heart never failed to see clear and true -- and for that, we can all be grateful."

If you'd like to read the full tribute, here's a link (to the San Francisco Chronicle version):

Goodbye, Molly

I was also pleased to read Garrison Keillor's tribute (and poem) about Molly on his blog today. It offers a link to much more about her life and work at the Texas Observer -- well worth a look if you're a fan of this larger-than-life, feisty woman with that unmistakable drawling voice:

The Texas Observer

What a wonderful legacy of writing you left us, dear Molly. Thank you for all the laughs, for your outrage at the "(p)ills" of our politics, and for speaking from your heart with a strong, clear (husky!) voice. I will miss you.

Life Values: "Ancora Imparo"

2007-01-31T12:48:00.000-08:00

At one of the introductory life legacy talks I did last week at a local senior center, I had the pleasure of listening to a wise elder tell me about the most influential people in her life. She had the longest list I had ever heard from anyone and almost apologetically shared with me that she felt she has lived a "charmed" life. So many people had guided her and made a difference in her life. What a joy it was to listen to her.

At one point in our conversation, she pointed to a silver bracelet she was wearing, engraved with the words "ancora imparo". She said her son had given it to her. Of course, I asked, "what does it mean?". She excitely said with a beautiful smile on her face, "I am still learning!" The words, she said, were attributed to Michelangelo. Thank you, dear woman, for sharing your story and your bracelet's message with me!

Yes, I am still learning! In fact, "learning" has been one of my Top 5 Values throughout by entire life. In childhood, school was great refuge for me and a place where I could feel pride in my achievements and experience the joy of creating (neither of which I felt at home -- pride and joy being major "sins" in a Norwegian Lutheran community in western Minnesota). Going to college -- the first in my family -- was both exciting and challenging in the late 1960's (and finally graduating after 5 years of working sometimes nearly full-time while attending classes -- interrupted by getting called up for Army duty a quarter before graduating -- was a "triumph"). Then getting the opportunity to go to graduate school during my late-30's was an amazing learning experience, packed full of personal and professional growth.

While I haven't returned to "school" for nearly 25 years, I've been teaching "what I need to learn" ever since. Creating dozens of workshops and classes, plus many talks and presentations -- then sharing them with hundreds of people (thousands by now!) over the years has been a most life-enriching, learning-full, experience for me. And, yes, I am still learning!

What has learning meant to your life? When have you experienced the joy of creating something as a result of what you've learned? What values guide your life now? Write them down, reflect on what they have meant to you, and share your learnings with family and friends. When you're ready, create an ethical will or personal legacy letter to future generations of your family.

Life Legacy Poem: "Thanks, Robert Frost"

2007-01-31T11:36:00.000-08:00

This morning, when I heard Garrison Keillor read David Ray's poem "Thanks, Robert Frost" on the radio, thoughts of life legacies came to mind ... so it seemed like a good time to share the poem with my blog readers:

Thanks, Robert Frost

Do you have hope for the future?
someone asked Robert Frost, toward the end.
Yes, and even for the past, he replied,
that it will turn out to have been all right
for what it was, something we can accept,
mistakes made by the selves we had to be,
not able to be, perhaps, what we wished,
or what looking back half the time it seems
we could so easily have been, or ought...
The future, yes, and even for the past,
that it will become something we can bear.
And I too, and my children, so I hope,
will recall as not too heavy the tug
of those albatrosses I sadly placed
upon their tender necks. Hope for the past,
yes, old Frost, your words provide that courage,
and it brings strange peace that itself passes
into past, easier to bear because
you said it, rather casually, as snow
went on falling in Vermont years ago.

By David Ray, from Music of Time: Selected and New Poems. © The Backwaters Press. Reprinted with permission by The Writer's Almanac.

Thanks, David Ray, for your poem. And thank you Garrison for your reading this morning. It was a great way to start my day in sunny, yes sunny, many days in a row, sunny Oregon!

If you'd like to receive a daily email of The Writer's Almanac, here's a link:

The Writer's Almanac from American Public Media

Remember: Wisdom for Living A Spiritual Life

2007-01-23T12:33:00.000-08:00

Of all the books I've read about "spiritual life and practice", the one that has had the most important impact on my life (and life legacy) is Wayne Muller's How Then, Shall We Live? Four Simple Questions That Reveal the Beauty and Meaning of Our Lives. His four "simple" questions are:

1. Who am I?

2. What do I love?

3. How shall I live, knowing I will die?

4. What is my gift to the family of the earth?

These four questions, it seems to me, are the most fundamental self-inquiries we can make when considering the legacy of our lives.

Noting that "we are already spiritual", Muller says "the heart of a full, rich spiritual life is driven less by what we do than how we do it." Having spent far too much of my life focused on trying to find meaning in doing, the truth in his statement finally touched my heart after a mid-life crisis (or two!).

How I do it has become the essential "practice" that reveals meaning and beauty in my life, no matter what it is that I'm doing.

Since reading the book, I have kept one little paragraph in my mind and heart -- and offered it as a blessing at the end of my classes on "wisdom for talking about death" and "lessons for the living from the dying". I also created a handout for people to take home and post next to their bathroom mirror (where it resides in our house). Muller says these simple words are "the heart of most spiritual practice":

Remember.

Remember who you are.

Remember what you love.

Remember what is sacred.

Remember what is true.

Remember that you will die,
and that this day is a gift.

Remember how you wish to live.

Of all I've written on this blog since I started it last April, these simple words are the most important "guiding light" for my life today -- and for however many days I have left to create the legacy of my lifetime on this earth.

Thank you, Wayne Muller, for bringing "Remember" into my life and may your wisdom bless all those who read your words here ... and pass them along to future generations of their family and friends.

Blessings from Being A Hospice Volunteer

2007-01-09T13:16:00.000-08:00

On several occasions, when I've told people I am a hospice volunteer, the first thing they say is "that must be hard!" It was "hard" before I realized that I didn't have to "be doing" anything -- just "show up and be present" with the dying person. And it forced me to deal with my own mortality in ways that only being with someone who is dying can teach you. That was a gift -- a blessing -- which continues to bless me today and every day I'm "still here".

A few years ago, I decided to create and offer a talk that I called "Everyday Blessings: Wisdom for Talking About Death With Loved Ones". While it hasn't become a "best seller" at our Senior & Community Centers, it has drawn people willing to learn (some) of the profound teachings death (and talking about it) has to offer.

Last weekend, I had an opportunity to present the talk for a group of 15 Caring Visitors at a local church -- people who regularly visit elderly members of their congregation who no longer are able to come to church. What a great program! What a wonderful group of people! Every church should have a Caring Visitors program. It reduces the depressing (and often deadly) isolation that so many elders in our community and country experience in their lives.

Presenting the talk again reminded me of the many blessings I received from people who I've "sat with" as a hospice volunteer. In a handout I prepared for the talk, I quoted Roger Housden, author of a beautiful series of books, Ten Poems to Last a Lifetime, Ten Poems to Open Your Heart, Ten Poems to Change Your Life , and Ten Poems to Set You Free.

Housden says that “ . . . a blessing, wherever it comes from, joins us to the larger body of life. It nourishes and heals us with sustenance from the invisible realms.” And “. . . blessings give an experience of the world that is richer, more full of life and meaning, than the one we had known before. . . A blessing is an influx of grace.”

As I thought about my experience as a hospice volunteer, I realized that I have received these blessings from the dying that have enriched and deepened my experience of living:

A blessing of acceptance: I am blessed by accepting death as a natural experience of life, opening my heart to acceptance of all situations, emotions, and people.

A blessing of gratitude: I am blessed by expressing gratitude for all the gifts of life, appreciating whatever comes my way, the hardships as well as the joys.

A blessing of presence: I am blessed by choosing to be fully present with other human beings, connecting heart-to-heart as I listen to their words and their message beyond words.

A blessing of attention: I am blessed by paying attention to what really matters in life, guiding me to choose words and deeds that engender meaning and purpose.

A blessing of time: I am blessed by knowing that death brings time to an end, awakening me to the preciousness of time and compelling me to live in the present moment.

A blessing of patience: I am blessed by being patient with myself and others, relaxing gently into whatever is happening in my life and experiencing a sense of wonder in all creation.

A blessing of intimacy: I am blessed by communicating from the heart, speaking openly, honestly, and genuinely with everyone on my life’s path.

A blessing of kindness: I am blessed by treating every human being with kindness, bringing generosity of spirit and caring to all of my relationships with others.

A blessing of compassion: I am blessed by being willing to be touched by the suffering of others, knowing every human experiences pain and seeks to be free of suffering.

A blessing of forgiveness: I am blessed by forgiving myself and others who have harmed me, letting go of the past and creating a fresh start in the present moment.

A blessing of joy: I am blessed by deeply appreciating the fortunate conditions of my life, embracing feelings of joy and delight in everyday living.

A blessing of love: I am blessed by loving myself and following my heart, opening myself to loving others and receiving their love – to be fully, passionately alive.

How have you been blessed in your life? Who has blessed you? What gifts has life given you? I encourage you to write about them and share them in an ethical or spiritual will that you give to your loved ones while you are still alive.

Passing Along Your Family Stories to the Next Generation

2007-01-08T11:25:00.000-08:00

One of the delights of my Sunday mornings is finding a "Letter from Harrisburg" in our local newspaper. Written by Dorcas Smucker (wonderful name!), a homemaker and mother of six, the "letters" she shares once a month about her ordinary life are extraordinary and always touch my heart.

Yesterday, Dorcas wrote about giving her daughter "a precious family heirloom disguised as a simple story." It's the kind of story I encourage people to put in their ethical or spiritual will. Here's a link:

Stories connect us, one generation at a time

I love what she says about story:

"A story is much more than just a story; it is a connection, a reassurance, a lesson, a door opening. It can last for years and stay fresh and fascinating. It is a mystery -- why do I gravitate to tell this story and not that one?

Through stories, I hope to pass on what's most important -- faith in God, love, hope for the future. When I tell how our lives were spared when we hit a moose and our van burned up, I am saying, "God is real. He still does miracles."

If you'd like to read more of Dorcas Smucker's stories, you'll find them in her book, Ordinary Days: Family Life in a Farmhouse.

Thank you, Dorcas, for blessing me and all of your readers with stories about your family life that will live for generations -- a lasting legacy of your extraordinary, ordinary days.

A Poem of Gratitude for This Day

2007-01-03T14:16:00.000-08:00

Garrison Keilor's poem on The Writers Almanac this morning (Jan. 3) was a gem. It's from the book, From While We've Still Got Feet, published by Copper Canyon Press.

WINTER: TONIGHT: SUNSET by David Budbill

Tonight at sunset walking on the snowy road,
my shoes crunching on the frozen gravel, first

through the woods, then out into the open fields
past a couple of trailers and some pickup trucks, I stop

and look at the sky. Suddenly: orange, red, pink, blue,
green, purple, yellow, gray, all at once and everywhere.

I pause in this moment at the beginning of my old age
and I say a prayer of gratitude for getting to this evening

a prayer for being here, today, now, alive
in this life, in this evening, under this sky.

I wonder ... when is "the beginning of my old age"? No matter. Every day is a good day for me to "say a prayer of gratitude for getting to this evening". I am blessed to be alive ... here ... now ... today ... under this gray sky (with "blue holes"!) in Oregon.